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| We are blessed that we might be a blessing! |
I used to be mean.
If you grew up with me: you have no doubt.
If you've known me for a long time: you pretty much know it.
If you've known me for a while: you've seen some indication.
If you have only known me for a bit: you might be in shock.
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| I was a master at hiding my pain. (14 years old) |
Growing up hurt.
It is all to God's glory and only to His glory that I am, perhaps, a bit nicer these days. And I'll tell you what happened. God changed me. Only by his grace and his mercy do I now feel a real and profound LOVE for people. All people. Even mean people. Which, by the way, used to be me.
I have learned that HURT people HURT people.
I grew up burning with anger. In hindsight that is. My quickest, easiest and learned behavioral outlet was those around me. In my head I didn't mean to hurt them. I was rude to my mom. I put my sister down. I usually sounded angry. In hindsight I was hurting and didn't know another way.
Our family played Monopoly together! We hugged a lot. The way it should be from the outside looking in.
See growing up in this broken world I turned out to be broken myself. My dad lashed out verbally because he also grew up hurting. My mom didn't fend for herself because she grew up hurting. So I in turn learned my dad's angry behavior while also being angry at my mom for not sticking up for herself. I spent awhile being mad at my parents for this crazy behavior. But as God showed me love and forgiveness he gave me a heart for people who are doing the best they can, yet do not see what is lacking. Hey, my parents brought us to church. That was the right thing to do-right?
I was molested and date raped during growing up. That added gas to the burning fire of bitterness and anger that I already harbored. Then I learned to distrust and fear. I hated men. Later I learned that I wasn't the weak one. The people that hurt me were broken and hurt themselves, that's why they hurt me. God gave me eyes to see that and receive grace in order to forgive. It set me free from staying a victim and giving anyone else or anything else other than God-power in my life!
I grew up with negative messages that my friends, peers, school mates, teacher, constantly gave me: you're stupid, you're just an artist, you're this you're that, etc. Those messages continued on even with those people out of my life-the devil loves that. I slowly learned that the devil has traps. Hurting me was a crazy nonsensical way to feel better about themselves; or so they thought. Now God shows me mercy towards them and how to pray that they have learned to teach their kids from God's word, not from the world's standard.
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| My love for animals started early! |
Hurting myself.
Because of this stuff I learned to cut myself. In those days it wasn't popular. I didn't get guidelines or techniques on the internet because it was the thing to do-I hurt so deep and so bad I desperately needed something else that would make me feel better. Somehow walking across a parking lot in bare feet across broken glass fulfilled that for me. Later knives and sharp objects into my flesh helped, but only for moments. Praising God constantly that I now know only the Lord can fill that emptiness. That black hole. Nothing, NOT drugs, NOT alcohol, NOT pregnancies, NOT gossip, NOT shopping-NOT (fill in the blank)________.
NOTHING can fill it Except God.
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| The One Year Book of Psalms |
God continually fills my emptiness.
Now my life is different. I seek God and he fills my emptiness. He pours mercy into my cup when I am empty. He shows me the way. And as a result I crave that for EVERYONE else. I no longer hate people. (OK, I get irritated at them). I no longer want them to hurt. I no longer feel angry when they short change me at the store or walk through a door without holding it open for me. Getting upset when they talk about me is a waste of time. Instead I have a heart for them to see what I see. For them to gain what I have gained.
I thought I knew God since I grew up going to church. I thought I knew him since I raised my kids in the church. I thought I walked the walk...well at least the best I could. (But there were things to do, places to go!) Then in my desperation I earnestly seeked him. I found that there is a big difference, in fact, no comparison.
My cup runs over!
God has gifts for you--accept them!
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The Lord the Shepherd of His People
A Psalm of David. 23
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
Kindness, Chris Tomlin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SidOp4dmj6k&list=RDSidOp4dmj6k
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