Quote by Nikki Esqiuvel from her UNWANTED blog. A must read.
THIS STATEMENT IS SO REAL TO ME. (says me)
But, ultimately, is not about ME. None of this is and none of this ever was.
I am a mother and I "mothered" him. I liked to believe that the
allegiance of a mother, her listening ear and her helping hands can undo
the years of not being anyone's son in a permanent way.
But again, that makes his life choices about me and they aren't.
But again, that makes his life choices about me and they aren't.
They are about his trust in his Heavenly Father and his willingness to humble himself in the sight of the Lord.
They are about understanding that our God is a jealous God and a
consuming fire in the same fashion that he is a loving father and a
faithful friend.
http://bringinghomezeke.blogspot.com/2014/10/prodigal.html?spref=fb Wanted BlogIT IS TIME
I have wanted to write this for years. The timing was never right. Now it is in my heart to reveal the truth as I have committed to do in my writings. As God is always in control, a friend of mine wrote a beautiful post on her blog about her prodigal son. She did it right. It was yet another confirmation in my heart to finish writing my own that I had already started. I will do my best.
MY PRODIGAL SON
For eleven years he has been mine. The day that he and his sister got out of the car in my driveway, her little 3 year old self tossed her wore torn backpack on the ground and pronounced, "Here is my crap! " I knew that my life had changed.
God asked me to take them. It was an unequivocal yes. Not once have I doubted or questioned it. I've never changed my mind, I was always and am still ALL IN. Did I wish often that it was easier...YES! But God never said it would be easy. He did promise to see me through though. And he has made good on that promise. Sometimes I ask why wasn't I as far along on my walk with God at that point? I sure did need to be. I set out to do my best mothering techniques; I can say that my heart was always in the right place: I hugged a lot, I gave many accolades, I gave appropriate consequences, I put him in programs, counseling, activities, taught him about God, involved him in church. But see, I did things NOT SO RIGHT EITHER. I allowed him to push my triggers therefore allowing myself to yell and react too much. This enabled him to rule the household. My warm, safe, cozy home that I worked so hard on became an unsafe atmosphere for the other members of the household. I couldn't see it. I was very much self-centered. I felt the chaos, but I didn't own my own part in it. It effected EVERYTHING: my marriage, my relationship with the other kids, my health and more. To my great sadness years later I became aware that everyone in our household was greatly hurt by all this. Praising God now that he has led us all to an amazing path of healing. The one thing I did right was that I always hung on to the one thing I had faith in: God had a plan.
BEATING MYSELF UP WAS EASY
My children are my life. Once again, God has brought me out of the valley of depression of what I, myself, have allowed in my very own household. Now I give glory to how he has grown each one of my 5 children as well as my husband and me. God allows the hard times to bring glory to himself.
Trials teach us what we are: they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of. Quote by Charles Spurgeon
BEATING MYSELF UP WAS EASY
My children are my life. Once again, God has brought me out of the valley of depression of what I, myself, have allowed in my very own household. Now I give glory to how he has grown each one of my 5 children as well as my husband and me. God allows the hard times to bring glory to himself.
Trials teach us what we are: they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of. Quote by Charles Spurgeon
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| New Journey in Faith |
THE TRUTH
We told our son he could no longer live in our house. As hard and sad as that was as a parent, it was so freeing. To actually live out "As far as me and my house we will serve the Lord," has been revealing a peace in our household that we have not yet experienced. The sign hung on the wall, but we weren't living it! The reality of it is...he made a choice. He made the choice to NOT follow the house rules. Written rules that we constructed carefully so that they were clear, concise and on paper. (We worked with our Christian Counselor.) My husband and I made a commitment to NEVER let chaos rule our house again.
We told our son he could no longer live in our house. As hard and sad as that was as a parent, it was so freeing. To actually live out "As far as me and my house we will serve the Lord," has been revealing a peace in our household that we have not yet experienced. The sign hung on the wall, but we weren't living it! The reality of it is...he made a choice. He made the choice to NOT follow the house rules. Written rules that we constructed carefully so that they were clear, concise and on paper. (We worked with our Christian Counselor.) My husband and I made a commitment to NEVER let chaos rule our house again.
" And if it seems evil to you to serve
the Lord,
choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the
gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell.
But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”
choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the
gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell.
But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”
Joshua 24:15 NKJV
THE GOOD NEWS
Our son chose to go to Masters Commission! Yes, as a momma I feel so relieved and good that my son chose to run to God instead of doing it his way. He is not ready for this world. His life skills are not tweaked and very much lacking. He also blames everyone and anything for his problems. This comes from being a severely abused child. He has suffered great pain at the hands of an addicted and lost birth mother. Remember, hurt people hurt people. That's another story of mine on forgiveness! What we all could use to to realize is that we each have hurts and pain...and going to God IS THE ONLY WAY. Going to drugs, food, spending, sex, ANYTHING of this world, etc. doesn't work. Only through Jesus comes the comfort and strength to go on. I pray this for my son. I pray that he chooses to work the program. Going and staying are two different things. I pray that the Holy Spirit grasps hold of him and reveals to him that excuses aren't productive. I pray that God will give him the strength to do anything he needs to do that GOD has in mind for him. That he stays focused. And very importantly, I pray that in his heart that he knows with out a doubt that his momma loves him unconditionally and supports him in all good decisions.
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| Reflecting |
WHAT (IN HINDSIGHT)
THAT I DIDN'T DO THAT I WISH I DID:
Here are 2 excerpts of a very long personal letter that I wrote to my son: I wish I was more gentle with you. I’ve always been a bold personality.
I should have been more gentle.
I wish I didn’t try to correct you so often, I wish I had been more patient and forgiving.
I wish I did not play the battle game with you and allow you to push my buttons.
I wish I knew how to remove myself from those situations instead of engage myself.
I wish I had told you more often all the things that I liked about you and the things you did well.
I wish I had seeked even MORE professional help rather than convincing myself that things were improving.
I wish I did not let myself get bitter towards you and how you treated the other kids over the years.
I wish I was fully immersed in the word at the time, instead of partly.
MY PRAYER FOR HIM
I have been praying for you since the day you landed on my doorsteps! I continue to pray for you. In fact, I won't stop. I pray that you let go of the hurt that you have had in this lifetime. I pray that you will chose not to be a victim anymore. I pray that you will take accountability for your life as no one else can. I pray that you are immersed by God’s never-ending, unconditional love that only he can provide. I pray that you seek all comfort and guidance from Jesus as no other human being can ever provide these things for you. I pray that you learn to the bottom of your core without doubt that the bad things that happened to you when you were young were NOT your fault. You did NOTHING to deserve anyone treating you abusively. You birth mother LOVED you and still LOVES you. She is broken. She never intentionally hurt you. Hurt people Hurt people. Forgiving is the only way to free yourself. It is not for her, it is for you. I pray that you forgive me also for not being the mother that you hoped for.
Most of all, I pray that you seek God and his word daily and diligently. It is the ONLY way.
I love you.
Your Momma
Most of all, I pray that you seek God and his word daily and diligently. It is the ONLY way.
I love you.
Your Momma
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore
I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in
persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then
I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NKJV
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| Masters Commission 2014 |
For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.”
And scourges every son whom He receives.”
If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten?
Hebrews 12:6-7 NKJV
Hebrews 12:6-7 NKJV
“QUOTE BY CHARLES SPURGEON: "TRIALS teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of.” - See more at: http://so4j.com/why-does-god-allow-suffering-trials-tests#sthash.2gEU2mm3.dpuf
“QUOTE BY CHARLES SPURGEON: "TRIALS teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of.” - See more at: http://so4j.com/why-does-god-allow-suffering-trials-tests#sthash.2gEU2mm3.dpuf
“QUOTE BY CHARLES SPURGEON: "TRIALS teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of.” - See more at: http://so4j.com/why-does-god-allow-suffering-trials-tests#sthash.2gEU2mm3.dpu
My prayer for my kids who were good (not perfect) but obedient and did things for the most part RIGHT during these trying times. I pray that you will develop a heart of forgiveness. Towards both your brother, your dad and me and others that played a part in all the dysfunction. I pray that you forgive your mom for being blind to the chaos that rocked our house for so long. I pray that you are able to see that at the very least that your momma was obedient to the Lord by way of saying, "Yes, I will take them into our family without question." I pray that the many years of lying, stealing, physical hurting, emotional hurting and more will one day be a strength and a testimony in your lives. Perhaps it will be a blessing to others. I pray that while you didn't get much attention for doing the RIGHT things, that you feel blessed now that you were able to seek right things anyway. I pray that you heal from the things done wrong in the past but are also able to grasp and use all the good things that happened as well. I pray that you always without hesitation SEEK THE LORD FIRST in all that you do. He is the ONLY way. He is your only comfort and strength in all of this.
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| My beautiful family |
“And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours.
It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’”
Luke 15: 28-32 NKJV
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