How can this make sense. My blessings are beyond abundant. And yet I suffer in doubt. I feel enormously weary and sweetly broken.
Today I feel no joy.
I tread carefully as I write this. As my mind stands confused. My body is sick. Will what I write make sense. Am I even processing properly? The dichotomy of my thoughts overwhelm me.
It can't be possible that I feel these things. As I process ALL that I have.
I go Immediately to count blessings:
I woke up today.
My husband woke up today.
I got out of bed. My very comfortable, cozy bed. Most people in this world would beg for.
I have food. I can eat food. My pantry is full. Not only with basics but with Christmas treats and flavored coffees. Some have no food today.
I have clothes. They are soft with downy. Some people have threads today and they are cold.
The sound of the rain on my roof top blesses me right now. Rain washes villages out as I write this.
I anticipate my beloved children awakening so that we can spend time together. Some have lost their children. My heart breaks for them.
I left the hospital yesterday. Some did not. Some never will.
I can fold laundry. The warmth from the dryer soothes my aching hands. Some moms wash their laundry with a basin and dirty water.
I have medicines to help me. Some can't pay for medicine or doctors.
The list is simply too long to write.
That was what I wrote throughout the middle of the night last night.
It is now 2:05 AM the next day.
This is what I say now.
I will continue this now by telling you that I found joy yesterday. I started the day convinced that it wouldn't happen. I did however, seek God consistently all day. For one thing that stays steady is my faith despite what I feel emotionally or physically. The Lord lifted some of my burdens. It felt so good. It came sooner than later. As I counted my blessings through out the day I found myself slipping and forgetting to praise God as I had committed to. He stayed faithful anyway. The blessings were overwhelming. The list ever too long to even try to write down in a mere sitting.
Two things especially struck me. I received a Christmas package from someone who cares about me. It was a specially measured out tub rack to hold my book in the tub. Spoiled, I know. But it has recently laid heavy on me as my hands have become too painful to even hold my book up in the tub. I am an artist for goodness sake! I scream from deep inside. I was convinced that God sent it Himself to me on this day. To me it symbolized more than a middle-aged spoiled lady's divine tub device. It symbolized hope that God will provide a way with my hands. And everything else.
Then by 5pm my daughter received a second merit scholarship to the college of her choice. The blessings were above and beyond. Even in-my-face overwhelming. How could I not see them. Too many to count over and over.
But even more, by dinner there was a lifting. A lifting of heaviness from my shoulders. A glimmer of light. Something I thought wouldn't come for a good while because of the very deep darkness that hung over me. Way more than I ever expected or hoped for so soon. I knew it would come. But so QUICK. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. My God is faithful. And He gives me more than I even expect.
By evening my joy was back in town. Had it really gone away? Or was it just hiding behind the heavy cloud of pain and weariness.
I have to tell you. I don't EVER want to spend much time on the devil. But in the early morning yesterday I was getting a clear message that the devil wanted me to feel like I was a burden to others. He sat on my shoulder and altered my every thought. Thank goodness I spoke with someone close to have them check out and reveal what was going on. My thinking wasn't clear and the devil pounced on it. It may be part the Dexamethasone. Maybe not. But it was scary. Either way, he gets a foot-hold anywhere he can.
I won't lie. I'm still struggling. But my Hope is in the Lord.
I am going to leave this raw. I won't even check it over and over for mistakes (all you grammar hounds-sorry!)
I feel led to put it out ASAP.
These are the verses that were reveled to me throughout the day
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth;
Break forth in song, rejoice, and sing praises. Psalm 98:4 NKJV
And He said, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14 NKJV
Today I feel no joy.
I tread carefully as I write this. As my mind stands confused. My body is sick. Will what I write make sense. Am I even processing properly? The dichotomy of my thoughts overwhelm me.
It can't be possible that I feel these things. As I process ALL that I have.
I go Immediately to count blessings:
I woke up today.
My husband woke up today.
I got out of bed. My very comfortable, cozy bed. Most people in this world would beg for.
I have food. I can eat food. My pantry is full. Not only with basics but with Christmas treats and flavored coffees. Some have no food today.
I have clothes. They are soft with downy. Some people have threads today and they are cold.
The sound of the rain on my roof top blesses me right now. Rain washes villages out as I write this.
I anticipate my beloved children awakening so that we can spend time together. Some have lost their children. My heart breaks for them.
I left the hospital yesterday. Some did not. Some never will.
I can fold laundry. The warmth from the dryer soothes my aching hands. Some moms wash their laundry with a basin and dirty water.
I have medicines to help me. Some can't pay for medicine or doctors.
The list is simply too long to write.
That was what I wrote throughout the middle of the night last night.
It is now 2:05 AM the next day.
This is what I say now.
I will continue this now by telling you that I found joy yesterday. I started the day convinced that it wouldn't happen. I did however, seek God consistently all day. For one thing that stays steady is my faith despite what I feel emotionally or physically. The Lord lifted some of my burdens. It felt so good. It came sooner than later. As I counted my blessings through out the day I found myself slipping and forgetting to praise God as I had committed to. He stayed faithful anyway. The blessings were overwhelming. The list ever too long to even try to write down in a mere sitting.
Two things especially struck me. I received a Christmas package from someone who cares about me. It was a specially measured out tub rack to hold my book in the tub. Spoiled, I know. But it has recently laid heavy on me as my hands have become too painful to even hold my book up in the tub. I am an artist for goodness sake! I scream from deep inside. I was convinced that God sent it Himself to me on this day. To me it symbolized more than a middle-aged spoiled lady's divine tub device. It symbolized hope that God will provide a way with my hands. And everything else.
Then by 5pm my daughter received a second merit scholarship to the college of her choice. The blessings were above and beyond. Even in-my-face overwhelming. How could I not see them. Too many to count over and over.
But even more, by dinner there was a lifting. A lifting of heaviness from my shoulders. A glimmer of light. Something I thought wouldn't come for a good while because of the very deep darkness that hung over me. Way more than I ever expected or hoped for so soon. I knew it would come. But so QUICK. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. My God is faithful. And He gives me more than I even expect.
By evening my joy was back in town. Had it really gone away? Or was it just hiding behind the heavy cloud of pain and weariness.
I have to tell you. I don't EVER want to spend much time on the devil. But in the early morning yesterday I was getting a clear message that the devil wanted me to feel like I was a burden to others. He sat on my shoulder and altered my every thought. Thank goodness I spoke with someone close to have them check out and reveal what was going on. My thinking wasn't clear and the devil pounced on it. It may be part the Dexamethasone. Maybe not. But it was scary. Either way, he gets a foot-hold anywhere he can.
I won't lie. I'm still struggling. But my Hope is in the Lord.
I am going to leave this raw. I won't even check it over and over for mistakes (all you grammar hounds-sorry!)
I feel led to put it out ASAP.
These are the verses that were reveled to me throughout the day
Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.Isaiah 41:10 NKJV
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.Isaiah 41:10 NKJV
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth;
Break forth in song, rejoice, and sing praises. Psalm 98:4 NKJV
And He said, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14 NKJV
Joy to the World
The Lord has Come;
Let earth receive her king;
let every heart prepare him room,
and heaven and nature sing!
I Desire Feedback!
I have made a commitment to be honest and transparent. How am I doing? Positive feedback is ALWAYS good. But I also grow and stay real by your insights. So kind constructive feedback is appreciated ALWAYS. I seek to Glorify the Lord in all this. I am human. I don't always do it right. I have been called to reveal my journey. I have a burning desire to share my story and my daily walk with great urgency in hopes that even one person will reap from how I have received GREAT JOY that can only comes from the Lord!
I Desire Feedback!
I have made a commitment to be honest and transparent. How am I doing? Positive feedback is ALWAYS good. But I also grow and stay real by your insights. So kind constructive feedback is appreciated ALWAYS. I seek to Glorify the Lord in all this. I am human. I don't always do it right. I have been called to reveal my journey. I have a burning desire to share my story and my daily walk with great urgency in hopes that even one person will reap from how I have received GREAT JOY that can only comes from the Lord!
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