It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Roasts Your Chestnuts! The Long AWAITED UNC Appointment is TODAY!

Let my Soul Sing! Amazing artwork  by Xana

Talk is Cheap. 
My prayer is that I walk it.
We've all been waiting so long. 
I have waited so, so, so, very long. 4 months? 12 months? 2 years? 33 years?

It's been so long and yet it's here all of a sudden. And I have a twinge of fear and anxiety. Sometimes I HATE being honest. It was hard to type that. Some of my friends and family are concerned that I have put too much hope in acquiring an OFFICIAL diagnose. An actual name for what has been eating the flesh of my body from the inside out for so long. That the lack of diagnosis today or short after might lead to great disappointment and possible depression. My history with the medical field has boasted SO MANY bad,downright rude, uncaring doctors who don't think outside of the box to help the 85% of people who don't present typically. 


Yes, I'm concerned, a little.

It's a fact. I want an official diagnosis. 
I have been diagnosed with some stuff. But something HUGE is eating away at my body even as I sit here and type.  It's progressing. And gosh darn it-I WANT a name for it. Not to mention, it will just make life easier. Easier when random strangers ask what's wrong with me. Easier for the doctors charts. Easier when I go to the ER or Urgent Care. Is that too much to ask?

Let's get real. 
I feel like it will validate my life long cry that there is SOMETHING PHYSICALLY WRONG. It's NOT in my head. No NEED for psychotherapy. (Well...)

8 weeks ago before high dose Cortisone

So as I pray and as I prepare mentally and as I fill out the stacks of medical papers during this glorious time that we celebrate the birth of our savior, I have to only wait a few more hours for my appointment while still  blowing up on Cortisone's to get me through the season.....I pray.

Seven weeks on Dexamethasone. 
Twenty-five pounds later and 
transposed into a bona fide chipmunk!

My goal. 
Walk it. Not just talk it.
I pray that I have FAITH in God's perfect plan.
That I actually exhibit it. Not just say it. I pray that I

This past weekend.

feel it and trust it to the bottom of my core. And if I don't, then I run to God. The medical field is good, as long as God comes first.

A work in progress

   For we through the Spirit eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness by faith.
(Galatians 5:5 NKJV)

I pray NOW that when they tell me that, "It's not in your blood work," for the umpteenth time in 33 years that I immediately trust that perhaps there's another way to reveal this bizarre puzzle.

 
Do NOT let them ROAST MY CHESTNUTS!
God has the perfect plan. 
Let me trust and feel that.
I pray that as I leave the clinic I feel joy in knowing that my husband and I are sure that WE are doing everything WE can do. I pray that we go to God first in seeking direction. SO many times we don't. We try to come up with our own plan. UUUGGGHHH, saying and doing are so different. And that I know without a doubt that God always has the better plan. The medical field can be good, but only as long as God comes first.

A wise friend of mine (more like an acquaintance that I have admired, having seen the behavior of her children through out our home schooling years-who I would like to get to know better) sent me her prayer for me; "I'm praying that God would guard your heart and mind and give you peace. I'm praying that He will enable you to hold loosely to this appointment and the outcome, and that He will provide answers and solutions in a miraculous way. I'm praying that your hope would continue to be and always stay firmly fixed on Him as your provider and healer." 

I couldn't have said it better. I will focus on this prayer.

I desire to be different. To confuse people. What makes me different, they wonder?  
It's joy despite pain that can only come from the Lord.
My favorite comment at a grocery store that I frequent is, "What is it about you, you are so happy?" From one of the produce workers who runs to greet me whenever I'm there. He blesses me every time, perhaps without realizing it! 
I just listened to a wonderful sermon by Bill Johnson from Bethel Church. He quoted, "Your shadow will always release whatever overshadows you." I made a conscious decision in the past that I will NOT be a sick person. Yes, I am sick. This quote was a reminder to me to work harder on my behavior. I'm not always a happy person. But I'm trying. I HAVE great joy. But don't always exhibit it. I pray that through all this I can somehow be a light to others during my ongoing journey. The doctors, the nurses, the staff the people in the elevators. The  child who is enamored with my colorful duct taped crutch. My ministry takes place the minute I open my eyes for the day. Anyone and everyone I meet experiences my behavior as a lover of Jesus. Whether it's the nurses who draw blood or the person who cut in front of me to get my parking spot when I arrived at the appointment. Reacting rudely to them, yet a light to the nice one doesn't even any make sense. I want God to give me the ability to behave appropriately despite my frustration, despite my own battles, despite what bubbling up pain wise. Despite how many times my veins roll when the nurses try to put an IV in. 
I will wear my bacon socks. Can someone find me crazy cat socks?

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.   (Romans 15:13 NKJV)

I pray that I remember my HOPE comes from the Lord. Not people.

You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in Your word. (Psalms 119:114 NKJV)

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, And whose hope is the LORD. {8} For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, 
Which spreads out its roots by the river, 
And will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, 
And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit.
 Jeremiah 17:7-8 NKJV 

Really cool tidbit of information; it has gently rained all night. 

                                      God knows that rain always soothes me. 

 

I Desire Feedback! 
I have made a commitment to be honest and transparent. How am I doing? Positive feedback is ALWAYS good. But I also grow and stay real by your insights. So kind constructive feedback is appreciated ALWAYS. I seek to Glorify the Lord in all this. I am human. I don't always do it right. I have been called to reveal my journey. I have a burning desire to share my story and my daily walk with great urgency in hopes that even one person will reap from how I have received GREAT JOY that can only comes from the Lord!