2:00 am
I wake up wet from head to toe. I'm cold. I realize my jammies are drenched and soaking wet. However I am so very content. My body is lifeless in the soft downy blankets almost as if floating. A weird feeling for me. In fact, I can't remember the last time I felt, well... nothing. I almost panic. Don't leave me! Let me enjoy! So I lay there. Soaked. I can no longer sleep. My tremors are slight, I shiver and shake but at a consistent rhythm. So I count that as good enough. If I get up, I'll lose this feeling. I decide to pray for others. I go through my list of family first, there's so much to pray for. Like the safely of my children while they drive their vehicles. Then I pray that each of my children walk with the Lord. A prayer that I pray over and over again day after day. Wait, shouldn't I pray it just once? I realize I'm getting my sheets wet. I hate that. I can't wash them EVERY single day. I don't have it in me. So much work. But that's gross, isn't it? My mind wonders. I pray for friends I know. Friends I don't know. Everyone is hurting somehow- some way. I hurt for them.
A wave of hot liquid washes through my wrists. Here is comes. It's starts slow sometimes, taunting me that I better enjoy the fleeting relief, a cruel, stupid joke. But it's not funny any more. Soon I'll be pacing the dark house back and forth not knowing what else to do. Everyone else in the household clueless to my plight, hopefully sound asleep, counting sugarplums, crispy creme donuts or whatever else while snugly, warm and safe. Sleep can be much needed escape. For some at least. They realize not. I knew it would come back...but I continue to have high hopes that this day will be different. Sometimes it hits hard and fast like a vicious lion sometimes it creeps in slow like a cruel, ugly, snake. I hate snakes. It starts in the small joints then like hot lava then flows and burns into the rest of the joints having no mercy. I used to think I hurt a lot when I was young. I laugh to myself. But then I know someone else's pain is even worse than mine tonight. Poor thing. I ignore the other little stuff. Like the headache, the numbness, the palpitations, the 2 new cold sores. Those are side notes. I am soothed by my husbands soft breathing. I remember that sometimes he is out of the country and I am alone at night. I thank God that he is next to me now. Remembering all I have I start thanking God. I start listing out the blessings and I can't even stop. They flow fast and freely, there are so very many. Listing them out loud seems silly, if I just think them in my head is that enough? God knows. Then I think of those that lay alone night after night. I praise God that I have a husband next to me. One that is so right for me. I think of how he's not perfect. He did leave his dirty socks on the kitchen table..again just tonight. Who does that? Yuk! But I think of how he is fully mine and he lets me know that no matter what we go through we're, "in it together." How did I get so lucky? He loves me even though I just packed on 25 lbs within a couple weeks. Who knew my rapid weight loss and looking so good was also so fleeting. Uuuughhh! If I were him I'm not sure I could be so forgiving. My mind wonders and I feel sorry for him. What happened to the hot blonde that had so much energy and life-that's what he signed up for....my mind wanders more. I feel sorry for myself. Then I snap back. Sometimes I literally have to tell the devil to get off my shoulder. How blessed am I! Don't forget that! I fuss at myself in the middle of the night inside my head in a water drenched state in the dark-Why oh why do I fuss at my supportive husband for such small things! Note to self-CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! I reach over and hold his hand. He holds mine back firmly. I'm loving it and hating it at the same time. It hurts. Dang it, it hurts. Just touching my hands hurt. It burns. This is making me mad. What next. How many simple pleasures yanked away? My blood work will come back this week, "normal," again I'm sure. When will someone hear me? I'm reminded AGAIN that just the simplest of things should not be taken for granted. I'm getting upset. I'm no longer content. Time to get up. The pain has kicked in now. Party is over. Laying here no longer makes sense. I get up, change all my clothes for the second time tonight. It's 3:00 am. I made it past 1:30-a nightly goal.
Time to start my Clam Bake. So I run and cling to that.
A wave of hot liquid washes through my wrists. Here is comes. It's starts slow sometimes, taunting me that I better enjoy the fleeting relief, a cruel, stupid joke. But it's not funny any more. Soon I'll be pacing the dark house back and forth not knowing what else to do. Everyone else in the household clueless to my plight, hopefully sound asleep, counting sugarplums, crispy creme donuts or whatever else while snugly, warm and safe. Sleep can be much needed escape. For some at least. They realize not. I knew it would come back...but I continue to have high hopes that this day will be different. Sometimes it hits hard and fast like a vicious lion sometimes it creeps in slow like a cruel, ugly, snake. I hate snakes. It starts in the small joints then like hot lava then flows and burns into the rest of the joints having no mercy. I used to think I hurt a lot when I was young. I laugh to myself. But then I know someone else's pain is even worse than mine tonight. Poor thing. I ignore the other little stuff. Like the headache, the numbness, the palpitations, the 2 new cold sores. Those are side notes. I am soothed by my husbands soft breathing. I remember that sometimes he is out of the country and I am alone at night. I thank God that he is next to me now. Remembering all I have I start thanking God. I start listing out the blessings and I can't even stop. They flow fast and freely, there are so very many. Listing them out loud seems silly, if I just think them in my head is that enough? God knows. Then I think of those that lay alone night after night. I praise God that I have a husband next to me. One that is so right for me. I think of how he's not perfect. He did leave his dirty socks on the kitchen table..again just tonight. Who does that? Yuk! But I think of how he is fully mine and he lets me know that no matter what we go through we're, "in it together." How did I get so lucky? He loves me even though I just packed on 25 lbs within a couple weeks. Who knew my rapid weight loss and looking so good was also so fleeting. Uuuughhh! If I were him I'm not sure I could be so forgiving. My mind wonders and I feel sorry for him. What happened to the hot blonde that had so much energy and life-that's what he signed up for....my mind wanders more. I feel sorry for myself. Then I snap back. Sometimes I literally have to tell the devil to get off my shoulder. How blessed am I! Don't forget that! I fuss at myself in the middle of the night inside my head in a water drenched state in the dark-Why oh why do I fuss at my supportive husband for such small things! Note to self-CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! I reach over and hold his hand. He holds mine back firmly. I'm loving it and hating it at the same time. It hurts. Dang it, it hurts. Just touching my hands hurt. It burns. This is making me mad. What next. How many simple pleasures yanked away? My blood work will come back this week, "normal," again I'm sure. When will someone hear me? I'm reminded AGAIN that just the simplest of things should not be taken for granted. I'm getting upset. I'm no longer content. Time to get up. The pain has kicked in now. Party is over. Laying here no longer makes sense. I get up, change all my clothes for the second time tonight. It's 3:00 am. I made it past 1:30-a nightly goal.
Time to start my Clam Bake. So I run and cling to that.
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
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