I feel like I am a possum scraping my ravaged body off the road of trials and difficulty.
I survived this round. But I feel like I was hit by a Mack truck. I know for a fact that there are MANY worse happenings and situations that people deal with, and my heart bleeds for them. But for me, dealing with tough situations at all, with chronic pain and limitations is just so hard.
Hard doesn't mean I can't do it. I've always told my kids that and now I must prove it. I want to immediately add that my blessings are not remotely understandable and infinitely too many to count. So I pray that this post does not come out as a complaint. A groaning, maybe, but not a complaint. I want it to come across as honest and just a way to expel my feelings and enable me to feel creative at the same time.
My daughter is now in a wheelchair. Temporarily, although it might happen in the future as her EDS is ongoing. I walk with a crutch, I can't walk far, so I have a wheelchair. Permanently? Don't know yet. The pain is intense. Even more, the pain is never ending and tiring and depleting. I don't get much respite. There-in lies most of the problem. Pain..I am blessed with a high tolerance. Never ending, I was not blessed with patience. But God continually grows me. So my patience is stretching.
I REFUSE to NOT be the very best parent I can be. I simply refuse. Although I have other dreams, other goals, other callings.....other than loving God first; MY KIDS ARE MY WORLD. I have committed to take care of them and love them until I no longer exist here on this earth. And gosh darn it!......whether from the wheelchair, from the Lion's den or from a trapeze tent (I am considering joining the Cirque du Soleil in Quito, Ecuador), I WILL NOT STOP BEING THERE FOR THEM.
.....and I am positive, that God will bless me in this way. It might look very different though. I was busted by my husband popping and batting balloons down from over the lamp above the kitchen table with a broom stick. Yes, it sported a duct-taped- serrated knife on the end. Hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I hate asking for help. And perhaps, I am slightly stubborn.
I did that with a shoulder that is frozen. I can't lift it higher than a little bit or you will hear me screaming clear over in South Africa. Knees, legs and hips don't work properly. I have continual level 8-pending migraines. Won't mention the rest, it will bore you and me too. Sometimes I do these things to my detriment. Then I pay for it by landing in bed longer or being in a bad mood because the pain is irritatingly protrusive. I need to work on that. And I am sorry to my family. I am, I promise, working on that.
I always remember a Woman's Conference I went to years ago, when my body hurt but at least it worked. The speaker stated, "As a mother, YOU NEED to always have EXTRA energy at the end of a busy day, for a crisis." Well, many years later I dare to ask, "What about when that's impossible? What about when you are handicapped? What about when you are exhausted by one simple seemingly huge event like emptying the dishwasher?" Her lecture has haunted me for years.
I dare to answer her demand now, with what little I know. I don't always, almost NEVER, can't remember when, have extra energy or health or emotional space for the extra crisis in our personal lives. Like going to the hospitol with a child in desperate pain-who suddenly can't stand up- straight from church service after I barely even made it to church that night. Or listening to my husband about a crisis that happened at work after he gets home from a long day himself of providing for the family plus huge medical bills. Or rushing to the emergency late night vet hospitol because my precious baby cakes (cat) broke his body falling out of a tree. The list goes on and it doesn't include regular life, good or bad. You all get it, you live it too. This world is broken.
But dear lady that was an awesome speaker and encourager for women; I don't dare...
but I boldly announce to you that it is ONLY by God's grace that I can do or get through any of these things.
It is my choice to love the Lord, learn about the Lord and do my best to honor the Lord's commandments. We just today heard one of our wonderful Pastor's state today in his sermon that: "The Blessings Come After the Obedience."
I have found that to be so true in my life.
And I choose Him.
My way never has and never will work.
God has blessed me with; just a little bit more energy, just a little more strength, just enough wisdom, just enough of whatever I need when I need it, for my family when they need it. He knows my heart and He loves to give me what I desire. But He knows what is best. Sometimes I scream at Him for not giving me that, just a little bit...when I am begging for it. Then like the perfect Father, He forgives me for yelling at Him then gives it to me when He knows it's the right time.
“For if you carefully keep all these commandments which I command you to do—to love the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, and to hold fast to Him, then the Lord will drive out all these nations from before you, and you will dispossess greater and mightier nations than yourselves."
Deuteronomy 11:22-23 NKJV
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