Maybe I will name my book Sphincter of Oddi.
It sounds intriguing.
That is, until you find out that it is a little weird muscle between your pancreas and intestines.
It sounds intriguing.
That is, until you find out that it is a little weird muscle between your pancreas and intestines.
Continually disobedient am I!
I relentlessly fuss at my husband for not being there. And yet my foggy memory reminds me that in the depths of the worst most vicious pain that I wouldn't wish on my worstest enemy in the whole wide world- he stroked my hair. He stayed by my side. My husband whispered "the meds will be here soon." I was so angry when he left my side. I failed to trust him. Only to find out that he left my side to go demand that the doctors speed up the pharmacy orders.
An uncalled-for two hour wait for migraine meds produced the biggest fire-spitting, repulsive-dragon-like pain inside of my very brain. It tore apart my flesh and scraped like a rusty knife behind my eyeballs. Every breath that was disappointingly mandatory was requesting a nail file to saw the insides of my nose all the way to back to the insides of my mushy scull. Hot lava-like liquid permitted the back of my neck and sinuses. Who in the world allowed a boiling pot of hot sugar to be dripped slowly into my head? The nurses packed my head, neck and face with ice. I tried desperately to cry but crying was like buying my ticket to death.
The meds came. The FIRST time they worked.
A very bad headache I will accept any day. I have that, every day.
A very bad headache I will accept any day. I have that, every day.
The second time, I'll say it again, the second time, just hours later when it came back, the meds did not work. More waiting. Stronger meds. The nurses and doctors were so busy. I was dying a slow evil death. Or so I thought. For 32 years I have coped with chronic severe migraines. For the very first time ever.... both migraines hit a pain level of 10. I'm thinking even an 11.
Another two hours of sheer agony. Imagining for sure now that I fully understood what a little taste of hell would be like. The very shuffle of feet. A sliver of sunlight. Typing on the computer. Potato chip crunching. Anything and everything was a dart thrown carelessly into my head. If only they realized.
Finally, the big meds. They arrived! (Seemingly by a slow ship from the 1800's across the vast ocean.) The sounds of the nurse ripping open the package, typing it into her computer, scanning my wrist bracelet are all magnified. Why did she have to move like a remiss snail?! What seemed like 1/2 hour preparing was probably my guess about 5 minutes.
She pushed the beautiful poison into my IV. Within minutes, after the bizarre feeling spread over my entire body, the pain disappeared like a morning fog.
She pushed the beautiful poison into my IV. Within minutes, after the bizarre feeling spread over my entire body, the pain disappeared like a morning fog.
The relief was colossal. Then glorious sleep.
Now fear.
How I forget so very quickly how God has been by my side the entire time.
Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
Isaiah 41:10 NKJV
My day started with something like a heart attack in the early morning. Scared the baggebies out of me and my kids. My daughter, a zebra herself, drove me swiftly and efficiently to the ER. She even checked me in. Her new founded privileges as an 18 year old. That was nice. Classic womans' heart attack symptoms. Level 8 out of ten pain in my chest that rolled around to back. Left arm getting numb. Clammy. Almost passed out. Lightheaded. Nauseated. Dizzy. Confused.
ER thought so. Heart tests STAT. They admitted me to hospital under cardiac care. That was unexpected. I'm so used to the message, "Nothing's wrong, you may go home now." Fantastic news however! (I do have a congenital heart defect, heart murmur and tend to clot.) But my heart is lookin good!
 |
| Gotta be me. Create at ALL times! |
The heart and stomach contrast CT revealed other stuff.
Praise God!!
When the gastro specialist came in he did not bellow, " You have, Crazy Disease! You are fine! Tests are perfect! Pack up. Go home. Call me again if you have any problems!"
Praise God!!
To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
Ecclesiastics 3 NKJV
When the gastro specialist came in he did not bellow, " You have, Crazy Disease! You are fine! Tests are perfect! Pack up. Go home. Call me again if you have any problems!"
NOPE! Not this time.
Although that is exactly what I expected after 37 years of undiagnosed pain and health problems. This time, he sat down like he actually had time for me and said to my husband, "If I put a picture of your insides, my insides and Joanna's insides up on the wall, yours and mine would match. Hers would be totally different." ZEBRA TIME. Zebra dance here.
Although that is exactly what I expected after 37 years of undiagnosed pain and health problems. This time, he sat down like he actually had time for me and said to my husband, "If I put a picture of your insides, my insides and Joanna's insides up on the wall, yours and mine would match. Hers would be totally different." ZEBRA TIME. Zebra dance here.
EXCUSE ME. ALL THOSE OUT THERE WHO HAVENT LISTENED TO ME WHEN I HAVE BAWLED, SCREAMED, BEGGED, IMPLORED....
S O M E T H I N G is W R O N G with M E !
So here I sit. Smacked upside the head. Yes, I've prayed. I've begged. Others have prayed. For so long.
Diagnosed. Got what I asked for.
Now the unexpected. I grieve.
I will never again eat fresh baked bread from a clay oven in Mozambique. Dad's savory Italian home-made lasagna will never pass these lips as they have growing up. Pirogues with onions and sour cream, only in my dreams. Chocolate/bacon donuts-I laugh in the face of danger!
My worldly self wants to slap-silly all the Gastroenterologist's among other doctors that I have seen over the years. In my crazy mind I would duct tape them to the metal patients bed. That would be after they slipped on the size 2 paper thin napkin dress with no tie in the back. I would then run down the list of tireless nights in pain, trips to the ER, cancelled events and worst of all, the MADE TO FEEL CRAZY DISEASE. I would shame them endlessly. As they have done since I was a child. As some continue to TRY to do to MY CHILD even to this day. Were MOMMA LION not there.
 |
| My daughter's body outline properly drawn while in room waiting. And waiting.
In my urgency to LOVE like Christ, however, I will ultimately, one day either send them a letter or speak to them in person, with kindness and love. That is my prayer. I know that I, myself am not capable of that. But with God, all things are possible.
|
But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Matthew 19:26 NKJV
I want them to know that I am human.
And it ain't just me. All their patients are human. They have feelings. Talk to them. Care about them. Be nice. It would make a MONUMENTAL difference. And I want others to somehow, someway reap from my lifelong experiences.
Tangent time!
Got back yesterday from yet another aloof specialist. This time my Zebra daughter's long awaited appointment. Took 45 minutes to drive there. Two hours to wait for the doctor. 15 minutes to hear the words, "If you, in fact have......." I'm looking forward to "Doubting Thomas," receiving the CT scan results. They will convict him. I'm sure. Apparently us telling him was not enough. But we know, from another specialist, that it is, in fact, on the scan. What we said. We know and God knows that we tell the truth. That's all that matters.
A total of 5 1/2 hours. On the way home my 18 year old chronically ill partner in Zebra land said to me, " I have never gone to this organization of doctors and left without feeling horrible and like they think I'm a liar." Out of the mouth of babes! I'd like to frame what she said next to the beautiful drawing of a crayon rendered heart by a 6th grader that was on the waiting room wall.
It said, This place is about love.
Got back yesterday from yet another aloof specialist. This time my Zebra daughter's long awaited appointment. Took 45 minutes to drive there. Two hours to wait for the doctor. 15 minutes to hear the words, "If you, in fact have......." I'm looking forward to "Doubting Thomas," receiving the CT scan results. They will convict him. I'm sure. Apparently us telling him was not enough. But we know, from another specialist, that it is, in fact, on the scan. What we said. We know and God knows that we tell the truth. That's all that matters.
It said, This place is about love.
So, we continue on.
I'm not better. I never will be. Management is the key. Big time food restrictions, medications, possible surgeries will help to calm it all down. My stomach at least! Water with lime, Ensure, eggs if it's a good day. For now.
I'm not better. I never will be. Management is the key. Big time food restrictions, medications, possible surgeries will help to calm it all down. My stomach at least! Water with lime, Ensure, eggs if it's a good day. For now.
Now, on to battle the "Crazy Disease,"
of the rest of my ailing body.
As I have faith in the Lord's timing, it will also be revealed, one day. My patience may falter for a day. My depression still rears it's ugly head now and again. But as long as I am in the Word and praising the Lord for the so very many blessings that I tend to forget to look at, then I am constantly and continually reaping many of Gods 7,000 promises that are in the New Testament alone!
How exciting that is to me!
of the rest of my ailing body.
As I have faith in the Lord's timing, it will also be revealed, one day. My patience may falter for a day. My depression still rears it's ugly head now and again. But as long as I am in the Word and praising the Lord for the so very many blessings that I tend to forget to look at, then I am constantly and continually reaping many of Gods 7,000 promises that are in the New Testament alone!
How exciting that is to me!
...by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
2 Peter 1:4 NKJV
Side note:
My sweet girl came to me early in the morning to state that she hasn't slept all night due to the pain in her hip. She could barely walk. When the doctor was harshly manipulating it yesterday I asked him to be careful because she would pay a price. Apparently WE knew not what we were talking about, once again. Another day of missing classes. Sad and angry face here.
Another side note:
I went to my Neurologist on an emergency visit. He has been one of the few doctors that I trust. I've gone to him for 17 years now. After our visit he said to me, "Joanna, in all seriousness, most patients I see that are in chronic pain like you are very depressed. They need medications for that alone. Why aren't you deeply depressed?" I said, "Dr. M...., I always tell you, I have the Lord in my life!" He said with a smile, " Yes, you do. Yes, you do."
My sweet girl came to me early in the morning to state that she hasn't slept all night due to the pain in her hip. She could barely walk. When the doctor was harshly manipulating it yesterday I asked him to be careful because she would pay a price. Apparently WE knew not what we were talking about, once again. Another day of missing classes. Sad and angry face here.
Another side note:
I went to my Neurologist on an emergency visit. He has been one of the few doctors that I trust. I've gone to him for 17 years now. After our visit he said to me, "Joanna, in all seriousness, most patients I see that are in chronic pain like you are very depressed. They need medications for that alone. Why aren't you deeply depressed?" I said, "Dr. M...., I always tell you, I have the Lord in my life!" He said with a smile, " Yes, you do. Yes, you do."
AMEN. All Glory to God!
Thank you MY GIRL for reading this to me in the ER
Psalm 91
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you say, “The Lordis my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
“Because heloves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
Comments