Victory Over Fear
The room was silent for what seemed like a horrific year in the dry dessert. It was 45 seconds. But the throat lumps grew massive in that time. The fear grew to a swelling flood. What, my god, could be wrong?! Spinning, out of control, horrid thoughts twirled in my head. My mind was ripped from control with no permission granted. So fast. So unexpected. Someone took control. It wasn't me. It certainly wasn't Him.
Then the sound of beautimous pierced the air.
Crying. Curdling gasps. It was the most joyous noise a momma could fathom.
My baby girl was OK.
Eighteen years ago. How, I beg you, has the time gone by so dang fast. She's a beauty. Was then and is now. I speak of the insides. The heart that shines, the heart that loves, the heart that melts anyone who knows her. The outside ain't too bad either. Got that from her momma.
Six months in bed with this precious one. It went quickly from "rest for one week" to "stay in bed or she will not live." My fear was overwhelming. The fear of losing this child grasped first place in all I did and who I was. The goal in my world was to protect this child. I would do anything it took. And I did.
But the fear...it wasn't right. It over took.
It seemed like forever. Hindsight-HA! I laugh at the measly 6 months. A lifetime it seemed. A nano-second it was. So very worth the misery of being prisoner to the chamber bed inside of 4 posts.
It was 18 years and 6 months ago that I learned the art of turning off the TV. The list of morbidities, the rambling of stupid issues, the human dysfunction....it got me down. Down being a simplistic word for it. I was trying to save a life here people...I needed HAPPY! Not a soaking in sour stuff. It was then that I formulated the visual in my simplistic mind of watering and loving on the flower so that it will bloom into fullness and beauty. Opposed to dripping acid on a beautiful creation thus deadening it and punching it down until it withered.
I claimed myself a Christian then. If only though, I loved Jesus. I dream now of pouring over His word and learning more and more about Him back then. I didn't. I didn't know I should. I didn't know I could. Ignorance. No excuse. How easily the days would have passed. How joyous it would have been. But no beating myself up now. I know now that He was, even then, doing a great work in me.
He was also meticulously crafting my beloved Ellee Belly.
God was slowly, bit by bit growing my battle muscles to combat fear with His promises. An ongoing theme in my world since I can remember. FEAR. Today my human muscles are weak, but my faith muscles are cross-fit strong.
Now a quick 18 years later, I know that victory over fear is mine for the taking.
I praise nobody and nothing but the Lord for that!
What a release and a serious burden lifted. Late nights I consider my husband in an airplane over India or Asia, my body no longer shakes with crippling fear. I know that the Lord has a good plan.
When my daughter is in the hospital I no longer fight the urge to scream WHY!! For my Lord has a perfect plan. When the house fails, the money is gone, the health is precarious, the plans have changed...I no longer whimper in deep desperation with a black fear that rips to the bone--INSTEAD I run to the Lord, I run to Him first. I talk to Him. I open His living word. I cry out to Him. I give it to Him. He always soothes my soul. He comforts my plague. He calms my body.
He gives me rest.
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV
My daughter, yes, she did the regular stuff! She was the MOST ravishing baby in the sandbox. She was prettier and better than anyones else's baby. She was smarter too. The joy she brought to me was immeasurable. It still is. Even more so, if that's possible.
But dang. In a short 18 years, she has insisted that her momma grow.
Little bugger. She has demanded better of me. She has relentlessly expected no less than my very best. And for that...I owe her, well, my ultimate BEST until the day that I am fortunate enough to arrive under our blossom tree.
Get up!! My voice sounds the bell! AGAIN. And AGAIN. Get up!! AGAIN. HARD doesn't mean you can't do it! I have commanded her so many times. DO what you can! I nagged. Do it! Even though it hurts! Count your blessings!!
HHHMMMNNNNNNN. Was I speaking to my child who has a genetic disease and daily chronic pain with many challenges? OR was I reminding myself consistently, daily and constantly that I AM TALKING TO ME TOO!
Having chronic health issues sucks. Your precious daughter having chronic health issues sucks WORSE.
But there is light in the darkness.
God.
Jesus.
Our Savior.
It's FANTASTIC news!! Together my daughter and I have been battling. God continues, faithfully to lift us up! He shows us that we are stronger than we thought. He makes good out of the scary. He makes us stronger out of the trials. He comforts us, despite the conditions.
The Lord gives us cats to make biscuits on us in the hammock. He gives us dogs to lay by our side and lick our hurts. He gave us family that drives to many stores to find us allergy free snacks late at night. Dad's that come straight from the airport to the hospital at 11pm. Sisters that push us in wheelchairs even when a wheel keeps falling off. Loved ones that do synchronized electronic buggy games in Target despite onlookers giving the evil eye. Then there's the crutch duct-tape wrapping and the broken crutches. (Hahaha! Good-fun-filled- memories!) There's those that consistently send words of encouragement. Sometimes with a special mug or favorite craft. Always when it is needed most. Then there's broccoli.
Our Father has provided the provisions for warm fuzzy blankets and hot pads to soothe the pain. He's given us the means to soak in a hot tub, moments of relief. Provisions for horrendous medical bills. Praise God. He has given us breath...each morning, thus far.
He is gracious.
He is love.
Happy Birthday my Zebra Twin.
My love for you is indescribably immense.
Psalm 91
Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
Just open your eyes,
and see how the wicked are punished.
If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”
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