Thank God that my husband is coming home today! But sometimes it's fierce pricker vines and stanky muskrats.

How do I greet my husband when I'm chronically ill, fatigued, had a rough week, and am sick of him traveling.....?

Like a mad woman. I fail horribly.

My intentions always, are to love him...

and hold him tight. Exhibit to him how much I've missed him and how awesome he is. I imagine a feast of his favorite foods home made with love from me, all over the table, ready for him to devour. I mean to sit him down and ask all about his trip, then listen well.  Let him know that 11 or so flights within one week must have been really tough for him. My goal is to ask what I can I do for him. I also mean to thank him for working so hard to take care of our family and way more.

I usually start off well. 

For about 30 seconds to 18 minutes.  

As always when I see him walking up our long cobblestone walkway my insides swirl with butterflies. That has been consistent for 28 years. I hug him as big as my body will allow. Tell him I've missed him horribly. I'm so glad he is home! 

Then without warning to either of us I turn into that scary wife.

My personal and exaggerated  list of things that my husband does NOT DO is a long one. It quadruples while he's gone. Some of it true, some not so much. Most things I realize down the road are made up in my wacko mind. In my lowest moments at home alone, the evil one kicks in and tells me that my favorite person is gone so much because he doesn't love me. Or my illness is making him want to be somewhere else. 

After he greets everyone he plays with the dogs. I wish he'd play with me instead! My bitterness kicks in. Jealous, of my dogs...REALLY? Then he leaves his suitcase and all his stuff randomly about the house. Within moments he leaves a trail to the bathroom. Doesn't he know how hard it is to keep the house clean for a disabled person!? And where are all my gifts indicating that he thought only of me the whole time!?

The worthless, damaging anger slowly creeps up my spine. 

This is NOT what I had planned.

But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth. Colossians 3:8 NKJV

I don't cuss at him. But I might as well. Filthy language as the WORLD thinks is just fowl cuss words. But God tells us that it is any harsh words that lack lifting up. Yep, I do that.

A soft answer turns away wrath,

But a harsh word stirs up anger.

2 

The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly,

But the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. 

Proverbs 15:1-2 NKJV

Then, even though I promise myself I won't, all the issues I thought I had worked so hard on myself slowly start creeping about  like bitter poison. What does he mean, Did I pick up the dry cleaning!? It was a huge feat that I even dropped it off. I haven't been able to drive everyday because of the weakness in my legs and losing balance. What is he thinking!? Then he simply asks for his favorite chips to snack on. Who does he think I am, superwomen! It was lucky someone shopped for me this week and we have fruit and milk. Sue me if I forgot his favorite things. I start getting sassy, or making negative comments. I do it more calmly than I used to! I have cut down on my negative remarks! 

NO excuses.

I've been leaning on the Lord, 

I bathe in His word. 

I go to Him for help in the loneleeees of the dark night. The constant physical pain, my God is there. This is where I have learned not to worry about my husbands travels and to have faith that God will hold us together during the tough times. I crave more time together with the one I married. I want more talking to be done about our lives, our issues, our days and our dreams. I miss the laughter of being goofy and silly  like we used to be. Grumpy, exhausted and busyness has replaced much. It's not all lovely roses and fuzzy caterpillars around here. Sometimes it's fierce pricker vines and stanky muskrats. 

God has revealed to me that it is a season. 

PRAISE God. I needed that.

I need to do better. 

I crave being obedient to the Lord. Which means honoring my husband. It's hard.

But with God, all things are possible!

But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 NKJV

I feel convicted. 

God is faithful, for I've asked Him for a good while now to help me to be a better wife. A Godly wife. I failed everything I set out to do. I tied to be patient. For I know how hard my husband works to be there for all of us, despite his demanding job.

I prayed to not be selfish. But within minutes I complain because I've been in bed or in the ER without him here. I know that selfishness is a choice. I shouldn't need God's help for something He's already made available to me. I need to choose it daily. 

Love suffers long and is kind; 

love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 4-7 NKJV

We promised LONG-SUFFERING among much more in our vows 27 years ago. I looked up long-suffering. Yep, barely pushing a D + on that one as well. 

Long-Suffering:

stoic, tolerant, uncomplaining.....UUUGGGHHH. Not me! I have been rather successful with my health in the non-complaining department. But I fail in my marriage.

PRAISE GOD as my husband finally gets home from traveling through the Middle East for a week. Today!!

The list of things that my husband DOES DO, is so much longer than I can ever describe. 

So I'll write a dinky list:

He has worked hard for his family of MORE than 7 not only to put food on the table, but to pay a great deal of money for my own outrageous medical costs since he has met me. Since he was 10 years old he has gotten his hiney up out of bed, EARLY in the morning to work super hard and I can only remember a hand full of days he's missed work. I can be a witness to my man reaping from his diligent, consistent and hard work. Nothing has been given to him.  He has paid selflessly for many programs to save our son's life, to put our children who feel led to get further education after high school, to support my lifelong desires to create, (and all my crazy ideas),  to home school our children, to facilitate a farm with animals for our children to learn and to tithe (all despite our lack of money during many times in good faith.) He has selflessly given above and beyond what he earns to others, that includes his time as well. I am not at liberty to say to whom, what or how, as he brags to absolutely no one and reveals nothing about it all. Another reason I love and respect him so. As much as I want to tell the world he has taught me to honor the Lord when giving.

But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly. Matthew 6:3 NKJV

My husband fills the  gas in my car on the weekends, because it is physically difficult for me. When he is home, he does not rest or enjoy a hobby. He fixes the house, takes our kids on dates, helps us all problem solve stuff and much, much and so much more.

As my wise Godly mentor at church once said, be thankful for your husbands always. 

Honor them. 

Even when they mess up. 

Be glad you even have a husband.

And I AM SO GLAD that I not only have one, but I have the one I do. 

I thank God for him everyday.

My prayer is that I learn to honor him 

and focus on the blessings.

That I display my love for him 

much better and that I 

take the stick's out of my own eyes.

And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5NKJV