It's my go to. He's my comfort. It's my mantra. My safety net. I've been mumbling it. Not sure anyone hears. It's not for anyone to hear. I mumbled it throughout my hospital stay. I mumble it now at the beach. I've mumbled it so many times before.
It follows me. The pain. "Take a much needed rest!" the world says. Take a break-to a luxury vacation....."You deserve it!" Guess what, it jumped into my suitcase without permission.
The it's and thems.
I packet them; my troubles.
I packed them; my sins.
I packed it; my heart ache.
I didn't mean to. Actually they were not invited. It was an accident! But they follow me around. They are like leeches that try to suck me dry. I pull them off, I scrape them off. It burns and hurts. I try it again. I try it again. To carry the pain. It hurts. I glance while the soothing breeze brushes my face, out to the sea. The pain parallels the lovely. it's constantly trying to "get one up." It tries to get a foot back into the door of my soul. Each and every time I boot it out. So much work. I'm stand exhausted. Sending my issues on their way is like saying good bye to these awesome young adults of mine. They come back, if only for a moment. They make their way home, depending on the luxury I provide for them.
The difference is that I beg my kids to stay.
I beg my troubles to go.
I am nobody. I am incapable. For God is my help.
Lost in the vein of doom that literally creeps from the back of my neck to the top of my head and digs straight down, penetrating and threatening my brain folds, I cry out to my help. I fess up to "my help." Now if there is one thing I know, it's that I can not do it alone. It is too much. The burden is too much.
Consumed in my desire to please others, I beg of the Lord, "Help me," I've tried for so long without success. I can not do it alone.
Battling the evil one that whispers to me that I'm worthless, despite my transcript and efforts. I mumble to Him, the Lord. No one sees, no one knows. It is Him I need. People fail me. I fail people. I am nothing without the Lord.
Begging for attention, for hugs. I need touch. I ache and my skin shutters. I wrap it in soft blankets knowing that the Lord will rescue me soon. I cover my head seeking safety and comfort and respite. I wait on Him. His time always perfect. My loneliness will only last for a moment. For He is my rescue. I know He will come. He is faithful.
My desires are insatiable.
I want more.
I have a view of the ocean. But I want to be in it.
I hear my children laughing at the pool. But I want to be with them.
I see and smell the food. But I want to eat it.
I can drive to the marsh and the crabs. But I want to walk there.
I feel guilty. My blessings abundant, overflowing and never-ending. Yet still, I want more.
I forget for a moment that my child drove 8 hours and arrived safely. I forget that I'm not still in the mucky hospital bed. I forget that my parents are not only alive but kicking like teenagers. I forget that my husband chooses to love me, daily. Didn't I pray for these things?
So easily, I FORGET. So easily I whine for more.
More isn't enough. My needs are insatiable.
Only He satisfies.
God is my help.
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
He who keeps you will not slumber.Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
Psalm 121:2-4 NKJV
I cry out to Him. Not just once. But often. Sometimes by moments. Sometimes by desperate seconds. Always Lord, remind me to cry your praises along the way!
And as I wrote this, He did it again! That perfect father of mine that loves me despite of myself. He delights me with a sunrise. Our time together, it's priceless.
To them God willed to make known what are the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles: which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.
Colossians 1:27 NKJV
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