Merry Christmas.

My Painting to You.

The sounds...they murder the christmas music, "Frosty the Snowman" is just a faint blur in my already ballooned head. The crowds are loud. All I hear is FUSSING. And this is just a pharmacy stop. My head. It hurts. It's gonna explode, I'm pretty sure of it. Please, No emergency room. PLEASE. I hate that for my family. 

WHAT....WAIT,

Is it Christmas? I actually only remembered 2 weeks ago. Hahahahaaaaaa. (This is laughing instead of crying, it's better that way!)

That's when someone reminded me that it was my birthday. I think it was my son. And I always remember that I was born 2 weeks early which means 2 weeks before Christmas; 

Something about my ma walking too much.

I have a photo of me smaller than this santa when I was born. Now, I'm a little bit bigger.

Only 2 nights ago did I really feel it. We did Christmas Eve service on Wednesday night. I know the Lord. He knew. He knew the hearts of so many and so much pain. We needed a reminder. A revival. And my brothers and sisters, my family, my pray warriors! They held me. They physically wrapped me up in comfort. They cried for me, they cared and loved on me. They prayed over me. The Lord provides. 

And He does so in perfect timing. 

I remind myself to open my eyes better. To count my bazillions of blessings daily.

The season. The tree is up. But grumpy we were. Some of us. OK, ME. The normal decorations different this year. So much so different this year. It hits home that I like things done my way. Because when I am in bed (the better part of the week) nothing, my friends, NOTHING is done my way. 

Humble me now, yesterday and tomorrow.

I mistakenly thought the refining and the pruning in me was done years ago. DUMB. My favorite missions' pastor and I stood at my large 100 year old oak tree that was just cut to a nub. He stood at that very dead blob to announce that he was leaving our church to go to another church clear across the country. My family was like "Mooooooom! What are we gonna do now, you said, if he leaves, we leave!" 

Careful what you say parents. 

As I also remind myself. (Side note, out of the mouth of babes, we did, and were abundantly blessed!)

My mentor stood at that old stump with me as we mourned and taught me a serious lesson. He shared that sometimes things need to be pruned before they can be built back up.

Huh......WAIT. I wasn't too sure I liked what I was hearing. What kind of "goodbye" was that? 

And where was my gift?!

I don't speak to you my friends as one who thinks she knows it all. I speak as one who has done idiotic things, who has judged, who had been in the valley as "Woe is me" after being raped. After years of digging a knife into myself. And very much more.

I sit here, after a minute of experience. 

I sit here wanting to tell you of how the deep cutting only put bazar patterns on my arm. They tell stories. Stories of shame and hopelessness.

But here is the joyful story that is still in the works... The GOOD NEWS!

Seeking Jesus put beautiful patterns of healing in my heart. He drew liquid hearts in my heart with his finger.

Drinking too much painted me worthlessness and dressed me in mourning. It strung me tighter and tighter in a holier than thou pricker vine that squeezed tight until the black hole needed to be fed again.

Knowing Jesus clothed me in royal hope. A deep seeded love for Him as I learned that He meant what HE SAID. He personally picked me up off the grungy floor. He brushed me off with His own personal hand and dressed me in velvet joy and silky smooth hope!

The True Vine

“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.

“I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.

John 15:1-8

Man oh man did my pastor speak truth in my life! I had realized my pruning had already started, he had simply defined it.

Ten years to date. 

Now I wonder WHEN my pruning will STOP!!!

Here I sit. One of the hardest years of my life.

I fall into my bed at night as if a Mack truck pummeled me! I always want first to fall onto my knees begging to the Lord for mercy(Due to the spine, my falling may look different. But I fall the just the same.)

Only to be restored once again. 

And AGAIN. And once again by Him. 

HE NEVER once fails me.

But You, O Lord, are a shield for me,

My glory and the One who lifts up my head.

 

I cried to the Lord with my voice,

And He heard me from His holy hill. Selah

I lay down and slept;

I awoke, for the Lord sustained me.

 

I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people

Who have set themselves against me all around.

Arise, O Lord;

Save me, O my God!

For You have struck all my enemies on the cheekbone;

You have broken the teeth of the ungodly.

 

Salvation belongs to the Lord.

Your blessing is upon Your people. Selah

Psalm 3:3-8 NKJV

I NEED HIM

And I have a secret. 

SO DO YOU

I can feel your hurt.

The Lord has revealed to me the hurts  and the trials and the pain of His people.

I FEEL it with everything in me.

The Lord has gifted me with 

a heart that hurts for you, His people.

My stunning daughter who also suffers this ugly  disease

These crazy ladies!

Welp, I'm one of them. 

I used to"kindly"laugh at these babbling old ladies or even men in the doctors offices talking about this Jesus guy. I thought they were crazy, old, didn't know what they were saying. I was rude. Like most. They most likely just needed attention. 

I had NO respect for them. 

I kindly dismissed myself from them.

 Then I joked about them while rounding the corner.

GUESS WHAT?

Now I am THEM.

I AM A CRAZY LADY! I ACCEPT!

GUESS WHAT?

They knew something.

See, if you are "Happy and you know it!" Don't CLAP your hands......

SHOUT to the WORLD!! 

Let them know that...

THAT JESUS 

is the 

ONLY LIGHT 

the ONLY hope 

the ONLY revival 

the ONLY rest 

and so very much more.

A day before my birthday we found out 

that I have an intracranial tumor. 

I have a brain tumor.

That's all we know. 

The neurosurgeon that promised to call us last 

Monday has mysteriously disappeared.

But God hasn't disappeared

And He's GOT This!

I am so excited to see what the 

Lord will grow on my pruned vines this coming year!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

No happy holidays here my friends. 

JESUS is the finest, most valuable, more precious GIFT 

we all will EVER receive! If only we all would chose to

ACCEPT IT!