I quit

Quite frankly, I truly thought the doctor would take one look at me and put me in the hospital. 
That's how sick I feel. I look sick too.

He came in like man on a mission. He sat down real business like and started quizzing me. I half haphazardly added something to what he said and he looked at me like, "Who the hell are you to interrupt?" He was truly be-riffed. A vision of my sign in the kitchen that says, "Slap 'em Silly," drifted though my head.

He was 12. I could have birthed him. I guess cause mommy and daddy paid for his education at Duke he decided that arrogance was an immediate prerequisite so that he could fit in with most the other doctors I've dealt with there. OK that was a little rude, but my exact thought at the time. Good news, I kept the thought to myself despite the meds I'm on. You all would be proud.


Once again after spending over 4 hours at Duke I left crying. I continue to have expectations that are not being met. But what do you do when you walk in distended like a nine and a half month pregnant lady  and you walk out feeling the same, no help, no answers and having to wait 2 months for more tests? I can't help but to think that these doctors don't realize that while I'm waiting for answers I still feel the same; I live it 25/8. For me the pain goes on. For them they forget about me and go on to the next patient. I wished I projectile vomited on them. Maybe a  more graphic visual would be helpful.

2005 Trip to Italy

I feel like I'm  in the twilight zone. I try to wake myself up and say, "Get up, get going....you're not really sick...if I would just eat right. If I would just exercise more. If I would just loose weight. What is it that I'm missing...what!?  Does anybody realize- I DON'T LIKE THIS. I DON'T WANT TO BE SICK. I even asked myself in a crazy state, "Am I egging this on? Do I ask for this? Am I making it up? Do I want attention? I think WAIT, we're going down the wrong path--perhaps it's PSYCHIATRY I need, perhaps this is all in my head. The last doctor did ask if I was depressed....NO, BUT I SHOULD BE.  I have the joy of the Lord. (PRAISE GOD!) This doctor asked about my alcohol usage...YES, college too much. Otherwise here and there...and these days--NEVER on meds if there's any type of interaction. I am a little anal about looking up interactions- I'm super careful to a fault..guess what, these days I'm always on meds. You do the math. Would I like a glass of wine right now....Yes, actually while sitting in Italy with my sexy husband playing Othello being waited on by a Italian with dreadlocks whilst the sun is setting would be perfect. I can dream, right? SO many days and nights I decide I'm done with this. I try to carry on like it 's not there. But after I fake it for awhile, after I do regular life like a load of laundry and pretend my hands weren't screaming bloody murder as I transferred it I change my mind and realize this is very real. I live it. I go to the store like a regular human being and people comment, "Oh you're feeling better! Yeah, NO. Just my stubborn self refuses to be in bed. I'm an excellent faker. When I get home the kids see me crash. Pray for them.

In a mere 2 1/2 months I transformed from this to this...DO NOT take Dexamethasone unless you have to!!!

Sporting the new book light my daughter got me. (OK, not supposed to wear ON head!) She said to me, " Now, If you're reading your bible and Jesus is speaking, you can turn the lights to red!" Is she cool or what!!

I decided to stop the quest. I decided that perhaps driving off the road and freaking my daughter out yesterday might be the answer. I've been getting confused. I have no answer why the car swerved. Not the first time. Perhaps a wreck and trip to the ER by default will reveal my true medical issues. More doctors more tests. Perhaps if I just STOP and face the fact that THIS is how I live is the answer. That was with no nap an  high pain level and being frustrated. Where do you draw the line between God gave us the brain power to discern what to do for ourselves and make good decisions...and/or letting go letting God??

I have no answers. I'm just over tired. These are just random thoughts. I continue to ask myself why I don't use heavy drugs. I'm being sassy now. But sometimes growing a pot plant in my kitchen only makes sense. If not anything else it would freak the kids out, that would be fun!

My husband, always by my side.

As he examined me he said, "You're wet!" Embarrassing. Yes, I've been having night sweats, only they come all day now. I walk around in soaking wet clothes. Sorry.

He said, "Your shaking..." Yes, I wrote that as a symptom. I guess he didn't read it. Or perhaps he didn't believe me? I also told the nurse I about my stomach pain. I watched her write that down. Then I told her about my joint pain. I watched her not write that down.

As the appointment went on, the doctor got a little nicer. I'll give him that. Won't go into detail, but he thinks my liver is having problems due to another primary issue...YA THINK?! I told him something was eating my body from the inside out. I guess that's why my husband thinks I exaggerate and am dramatic. To me, that's not exaggerating.

I point blank asked him..."Does it NEED to be in your blood-work to have it?" He said absolutely NOT. Then he sent me to labs again and said let's see what they reveal.

While in the waiting room a soap opera was on. Did I really watch one of those for years! My husband and I laughed as we watched the young beautiful girl who twisted her ankle get immediate help in the ER from the handsome doctor. He must have forgotten about the patients who were sweaty and blown up like balloons in the back rooms waiting for hours. They can wait. She still had her heals on. I always leave my heals on when I twist my ankle. Perhaps I need to be hot and sexy to get the medical help I need. Just a thought. Not gonna happen on the Dexamethasone chipmunk-making drug though. Sorry doctors-you get cold clammy sweat.

I have truly come to a realization that writing is an awesome release for me. So, Thank You for letting me be creative in my own VanGogh, "cut off your ear," fashion.  I feel better already! And as God is truly amazing I pray that somehow this will touch someone in such a way that lets them see that I get all my strength and joy in the Lord. He is what sustains me through all this. And whether I feel doubt or sad or frustrated or angry because I continue to be human... I continue to put my faith in God that He has a perfect plan. 

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV

I Desire Feedback! 
I have made a commitment to be honest and transparent. How am I doing? Positive feedback is ALWAYS good. But I also grow and stay real by your insights. So kind constructive feedback is appreciated ALWAYS. I seek to Glorify the Lord in all this. I am human. I don't always do it right. I have been called to reveal my journey. I have a burning desire to share my story and my daily walk with great urgency in hopes that even one person will reap from how I have received GREAT JOY that can only comes from the Lord!