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| January 12th, 2015 3:00am |
Someone should slap me.
No, wait. God did. Only His hand was soft and gentle and He didn't slap but rather gently nudged me into realization. I threw myself sloppily at His feet as He sat patiently on His throne and went about His business like the perfect father He is while I thew a rather noisy childlike temper tantrum about my failing hands.
MY HANDS BURN, THEY THROB, THEY ACHE! I can't open cans of corn anymore! I can't lift pans to get them to the stove! What If I lose my hands???!!!!...I'm an artist for gosh sake!" My hands continue to get red, hot, swollen. Lost feeling in parts of them. The pain so intense, so miserable so progressive. I continued to throw a fit, many in fact, meanwhile the thin protective membrane-like coating over my hog eyes blinded me to what was so obviously smack in front of my face all along.
In parallel I'm creating tirelessly. Go figure. All while shouting the blues. I'm joyfully spreading color across open white expanses and watching them bleed into beautiful explosions of nothingness. I wait. Then I wet the canvas again, strategically toss more color onto the page then grin and am strangely comforted as the fascinating pigments mingle and form into surprises of pure delight. Joy again. I do this over and over. I reap pure joy over and over again.
Then I run back to my safely net of whining and complaining. My hands hurt my hands hurt! I whine to others thus making them miserable and teaching them to whine too. It's somewhat comfortable and safe, it's what I know. It's what I am used to doing and almost feels like home albeit a dumpy one. Because I made it a habit. To complain. To see the worst. To be so very human and of this world.
But what if....
WHAT if I acted different. What if I confuse people. What if I confuse myself. What if I ignore the pain if not just give it a sideways dirty glance. At the very least not give in to it. What if I defy it's power and refuse to let it win. What if I slap the silly off the devil who sits on my shoulder and screams irrationally, "YOU WILL NEVER CREATE! YOUR HANDS ARE NO GOOD!"--AS I SIT AND CREATE. He's dumb. Actually he's really smart. And he manipulates. He crazy-makes.
And I won't let him do so anymore.
The creative in me is overwhelming me. I have gazillions of dream-like colors swirling around my insides begging and yearning to leap out onto a page and spread out like beautiful messages that seek to sooth and delight. They are mingling about my insides half haphazardly and frolicking like the baby deer we saw outside our kitchen window the other day. It is a carefree dilemma and threatens to carry nothing but happiness and joy. Even peace. The juxtaposition is insane. The reality so bold and real. The minutes in the day are the same and yet it's as if mine have doubled just for the sake of creating these mysterious pages. Something only God can explain. Something I know is His plan because it does not make sense in my head or even on paper.
The blessing so obvious in front of my face and yet I almost missed it because of my human
condition to inherently complain.
I woke up on this day and made a choice.
I no longer want to LIVE TO ENJOY CIRCUMSTANCES; I choose to live to serve Christ.
It's a matter of how I think.
The secret to Christian joy is in the way the believer thinks, his attitude.
Outlook determines outcome.
For as he thinks in his heart,
so is he.
Proverbs 23:7
So today, at 3:01am, gentle rain thumping on my skylight, after laying in bed for 2 hours of sobering hand pain and counting my extensive blessings,
I choose to quit complaining.
(AT LEAST SO MUCH, I am human.)
I am guessing that I will have to choose this daily.
I think I will paint.
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| January 12th, 2015 3:00am |
For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
Philippians 1:21 NKJV
I Desire Feedback!
I have made a commitment to be honest and transparent. How am I doing? Positive feedback is ALWAYS good. But I also grow and stay real by your insights. So kind constructive feedback is appreciated ALWAYS. I seek to Glorify the Lord in all this. I am human. I don't always do it right. I have been called to reveal my journey. I have a burning desire to share my story and my daily walk with great urgency in hopes that even one person will reap from how I have received GREAT JOY that can only comes from the Lord!
I have made a commitment to be honest and transparent. How am I doing? Positive feedback is ALWAYS good. But I also grow and stay real by your insights. So kind constructive feedback is appreciated ALWAYS. I seek to Glorify the Lord in all this. I am human. I don't always do it right. I have been called to reveal my journey. I have a burning desire to share my story and my daily walk with great urgency in hopes that even one person will reap from how I have received GREAT JOY that can only comes from the Lord!
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