I wanted to cut myself.
I am 49 years old. I have 5 plus kids. I donate to the Firefighters of America. I have a home school community to answer to. A church family I belong to. A blog. I consistently have teenagers, young adults and furry animals in my home.
What do the rule books say?
Do I get 40 lashes with a wet noodle since I said it?
Do people get to judge me now...
Maybe I won't be allowed to play in reindeer games...
My whole body surged with emotion.
It started petite but began to evolve into something monumental that threatened to crush whatever was in its path. This was powerful, swift and unwavering. The kind of washing over that made me get up and walk away so as to keep everyone else in my pathway unharmed. At least I maintained the sense to protect others. I made it to my walls of safety (my bedroom) only to find myself, well, still with myself. It's funny how you can remove yourself from anything, EXCEPT yourself. Don't they say, "Wherever you go, there you are." I wasn't emotional and in a bad mood. NO, this was the kind of blackened welling up that was dark and invasive. It was like a tornado that came from nowhere and violently threatened to demolish.
I sensed I was in big trouble. This was evil. Messages from the deep past swooped in, "you suck," "you're worthless." Messages that were given to me through out the formative years that embedded themselves into my very epidermis and soul. I no longer needed human beings to tell me this stuff. It's like a cruel trick. Receive messages from others for a block of time, then you don't need to receive those messages from real people anymore. The messages will just play on repeat anytime and anywhere. Sticky notes for the soul that don't UN-STICK. It's a cruel manifestation that takes place and the devil adores it and takes wild advantage of it.
But here is where my story abruptly stops.
As I am the apple of His eye God's protective shield suddenly enveloped me.
It was almost like a scene you might see in a Saturday morning cartoon. I didn't even expect it. In fact, I am embarrassed to say that I already started to embrace the worst. In my mind I started to prepare for a weeks worth of climbing out of the abyss. I even started to plan how to hurt myself without anyone noticing afterward.
Where was something sharp?
My very, very, old but familiar "go to ritual," from the haunted past that used to temporarily release pain.
This beautiful wind of faith enveloped me like a warm, fuzzy blanket.
It swept me up and without hesitation embraced me tight. I felt shocked. I knew what it was right away. I felt massive relief. I recognized it and embraced it back like a very best friend. Everything changed. The dark muck did not just dissipate it hightailed it for the hills. I was immediately released. A feeling that still overwhelms me and puts me into a state of awe that is nothing but beautiful.
This time I didn't even have time to cry out to God, because we are that close.
He ran to me. Actually, He was already by my side!
I couldn't have done a thing to deserve this.
God is that gracious.
He loves me that much.
The comfort was overwhelming and I'll gladly take it.
Within the hour I felt great joy.
Oh, His promises! They are so true. What I thought for a split moment would be a long night of isolation and depression turned into a relaxing evening full of good conversation with my kids and husband.
Reaping the joy is so good.
I prayed for a few days before I posted this.
I considered it a risk. My transparency is getting too real. I no longer fight hard to look good on the outside in order to please others.
My wish is to please the Lord only.
For various reasons I was led to share.
This life is hard.
I desperately want others to find what I have found: A relationship with the Lord.
I am 49 years old. I have 5 plus kids. I donate to the Firefighters of America. I have a home school community to answer to. A church family I belong to. A blog. I consistently have teenagers, young adults and furry animals in my home.
What do the rule books say?
Do I get 40 lashes with a wet noodle since I said it?
Do people get to judge me now...
Maybe I won't be allowed to play in reindeer games...
It started petite but began to evolve into something monumental that threatened to crush whatever was in its path. This was powerful, swift and unwavering. The kind of washing over that made me get up and walk away so as to keep everyone else in my pathway unharmed. At least I maintained the sense to protect others. I made it to my walls of safety (my bedroom) only to find myself, well, still with myself. It's funny how you can remove yourself from anything, EXCEPT yourself. Don't they say, "Wherever you go, there you are." I wasn't emotional and in a bad mood. NO, this was the kind of blackened welling up that was dark and invasive. It was like a tornado that came from nowhere and violently threatened to demolish.
But here is where my story abruptly stops.
As I am the apple of His eye God's protective shield suddenly enveloped me.
My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.
Exodus 33:14-16 NKJV
It was almost like a scene you might see in a Saturday morning cartoon. I didn't even expect it. In fact, I am embarrassed to say that I already started to embrace the worst. In my mind I started to prepare for a weeks worth of climbing out of the abyss. I even started to plan how to hurt myself without anyone noticing afterward.
Where was something sharp?
My very, very, old but familiar "go to ritual," from the haunted past that used to temporarily release pain.
This beautiful wind of faith enveloped me like a warm, fuzzy blanket.
It swept me up and without hesitation embraced me tight. I felt shocked. I knew what it was right away. I felt massive relief. I recognized it and embraced it back like a very best friend. Everything changed. The dark muck did not just dissipate it hightailed it for the hills. I was immediately released. A feeling that still overwhelms me and puts me into a state of awe that is nothing but beautiful.
The Lord is my rock and my shield.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
My God is my rock,
in whom I find protection. Psalm 18:2
This time I didn't even have time to cry out to God, because we are that close.
He ran to me. Actually, He was already by my side!
I couldn't have done a thing to deserve this.
God is that gracious.
He loves me that much.
The comfort was overwhelming and I'll gladly take it.
Within the hour I felt great joy.
Oh, His promises! They are so true. What I thought for a split moment would be a long night of isolation and depression turned into a relaxing evening full of good conversation with my kids and husband.
Reaping the joy is so good.
I prayed for a few days before I posted this.
I considered it a risk. My transparency is getting too real. I no longer fight hard to look good on the outside in order to please others.
My wish is to please the Lord only.
For various reasons I was led to share.
This life is hard.
I desperately want others to find what I have found: A relationship with the Lord.
I could not have done this on my own.
Only by God's power and grace can I overcome.
Faith in God’s promises is the only way to find peace in the midst of
trouble. You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on
You,
because he trusts in You.
Isaiah 26:3 NKJV.
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