I request that if you choose to read this, you read it until the finish. 

I also ask that you read it in a light of "my own personal way"
to express and process. 
Nothing else. No more. 

Simple as that. 

I kindly Thank You. 

The Lord teaches us that;
Weeping may endure for the night but JOY comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5. 

I continue to learn on my own personal journey that His word is truth.

Hurt

Never have I felt so hurt and so  dumb. Ever. Above is me after debilitating migraines throughout the night and my heart in deep troubled pain. A bizarre, dumbfounded, unexpected kind of pain. 

I knew ministry would hurt. 

I've been hurt before. It's a calling that only works with the Lord asking, the Holy spirit guiding and the willingness to be obedient. It's a selfless suffering for Gods glory. I was warned. It was preached. But I guess Ive always maintained the hope and the dream of miracles. Always the hope that 
this time would be different. And my utmost faith that God turns seeds into miracles. 
So why then, I ask of myself, if I am in the know, do I allow myself to let it happen? 

To be hurt. 

And to hurt so deeply that it cuts likes a sizzling knife. Why then do I behave in a shocked and dumbfounded manner. Why? Each and every dang time. That's what I personally need to figure out. It's what I long to know. At least I think I want to know the answer. My desire is to be equipped. To arm myself with a cast iron body suit of protection. One that is and was so valid that it rendered me numb to pain and clueless to affliction. 

But who am I. To render myself any more special or needy than anyone else. ALL the others that are in the business of helping and loving on others?

I am nobody. I am just a vessel that is willing. Nothing more. But nothing less either. 

And there, suddenly as I free flow my thoughts, the answer appeared. Did u see it. It slipped in like a quail in the gloaming. It appeared. The answer right before my eyes. 

It is because I care. 

I love. 

I have become (not a false) but a true  lover of the Lord!

God broke my heart for the hurt. 
He created in me something new. It's been happening over the decades. It's been forming in silence. Without my knowledge. Without my permission. 

I have a deep, deep love. 
I fall and I fall hard. I become so in love that its no longer a job in obedience for me. 

For me, it becomes a love story for the Lord. 

I don't choose them myself. 
The Lord lovingly but sloppily allows droppage off at my very feet. At the doorstep to my heart. It is no longer  an obedience to the Lord. It has become "Send me more Lord! I have no idea how to do it. But I know one thing for absolute. Not only will my friends and
 angels here on earth, but my perfect Father in heaven will see to it that I am appropriately equipped. Even if I may not be so at the moment. Even if I can't fathom it. Like a tiny ant, I'm incapable of understanding.

So, here I am. 5:00 am in the morning. 

I started this very thought process typing and off with the weight of a moms grief. And now, in my processing and my Holy Spirit guided thinking-thoughts, I have turned within mere moments, 
from grief and griping- to an opened eye towards my abundant blessings! 

I am now physically, mentally and heart wise, right  back where I belong! 
Into the glory and comfort of HIS joy! His joy! The only joy that soothes! It lifts me up and keeps me going! 
The joy of the Lord!!  

Suddenly I'm done. 
What seemed to me a mountain high of grief and chaos is suddenly an ant hill. 

I still stand in a yucky puddle if hurt. 

But the Lord has gifted me an exit from the river. 
God is so good. And He is good ALL of the TIME!

Psalm 34:8 NKJV

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

AMEN. 

(I apologize for this scrambled program. It doesn't seem to work properly)