Fess up time: I'm dealing with anger about my tremors.

IT IS BECOMING IMPOSSIBLE TO HIDE MY SYMPTOMS  

It's becoming more and more clear to me that sharing my testimony is what God is having me do. Although, I still hesitate each time! So once again, it is on my heart to speak up. It's only recently that I have been feeling strange and now I realize, angry about my visible tremors. I was at a prayer meeting at church Saturday morning. Upon getting situated a lovely lady asked my name and we started talking. Without warning she took my hand and said....""Oh Love, are you cold?!" I responded, "No, I have tremors." She looked at me with concern, hesitated for a moment then said, "Oh my," then awkward silence. We went on talking. She was so very loving. Her endearment and kindness was touching. But I found myself angry at the silence.

I WASN'T ANGRY AT HER 

I have been finding myself sad and angry all week with no warning. But in hindsight it relates back to the tremors. I don't even know what I want, instead of awkward silence. But I know what the devil puts in my head... "Well, she wants to ask if you're dying!" "It's because she doesn't want anything to do with it-she's sorry she even asked." "If you could hide the tremors more people would be your friend." "She doesn't have time to go into all that, she was just trying to be nice-thus, you're not worth it!" "Oh, That's BAD!" etc.

As the prayer meeting continued the tremors went from my arms and right hand pretty bad to both knees. So I decided to make them stop. I scrunched down as hard as I could on my muscles and wouldn't you know...they got worse. This angered me more. All I could think of in my head was . "See, I'm not faking them!!" Not sure where that came from, except maybe the many doctors and people in my life that have accused my illness of being in my head. Yeah, that's where. I've been screaming out in various ways since the age of 16 that something is wrong with my body. To no avail. I'm 48 now. Funny how now that doctors see the tremors they get more serious. Perhaps when they see the bruises that spontaneous wreak havoc on my body (they do not all turn purple) they will get serious about those too.

That's me: OFF BALANCE!

ESSENTIAL TREMORS

My neurologist said my tremors are Essential Tremors. 

Essential tremor is a nervous system disorder (neurological disorder) that causes a rhythmic shaking. Essential tremor can affect almost any part of your body, but the trembling occurs most often in your hands — especially when you try to do simple tasks, such as drinking from a glass, tying shoelaces, writing or shaving. Essential tremor may also affect your head, voice, arms or legs. Mayo Clinic

Mine wake me up in the middle of the night and I can't sleep. Yet another reason I cant sleep! But it's OK! It lends toward more praying and more bible study. Which has been a blessing for me. God ALWAYS knows what I need.

I cried out to You, O Lord;
And to the Lord I made supplication: “What profit is there in my blood,
When I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it declare Your truth?
Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me;
Lord, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
Psalm 30:8-12 NKJV 


DEALING WITH EMBARRASSMENT

People are starring. I've try to hide my arm down by my side. Can't hide my legs! Not anymore. I feel released now though. I've had these tremors for almost a year now. But they were never visible. I am also embarrassed to hold my husbands hand. As is one of my all time very favorite things to do. I worry for him. Plus it has to be irritating. Who wants to hold a shaking hand!  To top it off it's a reminder that I'm sick. HE DOESN'T SAY THESE THINGS. I DO. No more. I'm going with what he has ALWAYS SAID ABOUT EVERYTHING, "We're in this together!" and "It is what it is..."

MY ARTWORK

I also got angry because I have recently been able to create some artwork after a long time of not being able to. So I had to yell out..."Why, God, would you take my art away-you just brought it back!!" It brings me such comfort and joy..and it is even blessing others according to personal comments I receive!! REALLY!!!" Well.... God told me, "I didn't take it away, you now have a challenge...you can do it, don't stop!" WAIT, I've always thrived on challenges, I almost forgot that. So now I'm working on a series of watercolors they will be entitled: "Aesthetic Rhythm and the Prickly Pear: Artwork Despite Tremors!

Aesthetic Rhythm and the Prickly Pear: 
artwork despite tremors!
You may not see the mistakes. But I spelled things wrong- had to creatively fix! Only because my hand wouldn't do what my brain told it to do! It also did things I didn't plan, but we will call those happy accidents!!

Someone commented to me on a personal message: "Don't ever stop doing your art, it lifts me up!" What more confirmation would I need. 
So blessed! Thank you GOD!!!

THE PRICKLY PEAR: A member of the Cactaceae (or cactus) family, prickly pear cactus, also known as nopal, grows in the United States, Mexico, and South America It also flourishes in Africa, Austrailia, and the Mediterranean.
Although prickly pear cactus can tolerate a wide range of temperature and moisture levels, it grows best in sunny, desert-like conditions. Over a dozen species of prickly pear cactus belong to the Opuntia genus, but all of them have flat, fleshy, green-colored pads that look like large leaves and are oval to round in shape. With a tendency to grow quickly and at odd angles, the pads are actually the stems of the plant. It is in the pads that the moisture is stored. Like most cactus plants, the prickly pear cactus has long, sharp spines that protrude from the pads. In addition, harder-to-see tiny spines, called glochids, can be found at the base of the more predominant spines. Disguised in fuzzy-looking patches, the glochids appear harmless. However, they come off the pad easily and once they've gotten into a person's skin, they can be difficult to remove and cause irritation for days.

DON'T PRAY FOR ME TO GET WELL

PRAY FOR ME TO HAVE STRENGTH AND UNDERSTANDING

The thorn in my flesh is keeping me from being proud. PRAISE GOD! I may not get healed. It's taken me a long time to comes to terms with that. But I find great comfort in knowing that God's plan for me is way better than any plan I've ever had for myself. Boy, am I am reaping his promises daily. That is where my great joy is coming from. 

Jon Courson's Application Commentary: New Testament (I highly suggest!)
"When you are dealing with an issue, which returns again and again, what should you do? Pray and pray and pray. Pray until you are either healed, delivered, set free-or until the Lord speaks into your heart the reason why the problem will remain. Pray for either a release from the thorn or a revelation concerning the situation. Such is the model of Paul and of Jesus."


He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” Matthew 26:42 NKJV

"The Lord will either remove your thorn, your pain, your struggle-or give you understanding to go along with it" Jon Courson

I am receiving great understanding.
PRAISING GOD DAILY FOR THAT. 

By the way for 20 solid minutes at the prayer meeting MY TREMORS STOPPED!! Like I will keep saying: God always gives me what I need when I need it!

Comments

Post a Comment