WE are all HURTING. Just in different forms.
I offer my story to you.
My Story in a Permeable Nutshell
Most of my life I was haunted by a deep black pit in my soul that kept rearing it's ugly head despite my countless efforts to suppress it.
I tried all kinds of stuff throughout the moments, days, months and years to escape from this black smut that smothered and haunted me like a putrid stink that always crept in so swiftly-always uninvited and always unexpected. Over the years I attempted so many different things and ways desperately trying to escape it. I cut myself, I ate too much, I spent too much, I unleashed anger in various inappropriate ways that hurt others plus much, much more. I think the biggest escape I tried was acute busyness. As a, "perfect mom, perfect artist, perfect person," I made sure I volunteered for anything and everything plus made home made butter. The butter was yummy though, especially if you add honey.
The Black Smutty Hole Persisted.
Nothing was perfect, EVEN THOUGH, I actually DID have a wonderful marriage, wonderful kids, money and what reeked of outward success. Yet that DEEP hole messed things up. It persisted like a stink bug. It always came uninvited and ruined things.
What was so desperately wrong?
How's that working for you?
Ever hear that?
NO worries. I personally had a constant plan for fixing it. It's all good.
"I'm OK. Things are good. Well, except that dang hole. I think it's gone now though"..........................
Hey, I KNEW what I was doing!
Looking back now time actually did FLY by....you young people take heed!
My slick concocted plans were NOT working.
They never did.
And it hurt people along the way.
WAIT, it was effecting others?
Huh?! No, this is about me...or is it, hhhmm."
Yes, I said that.
Get over it.
I needed God.
He is and was the only answer.
Take a Glance at My Story.
At least do it for me.
My health has been perversely stolen from me. Yanked away and tossed to the thieves for the most part. The slow progression took 33 years (I pushed through that), but the sudden yanking was unexpected and took the better part of the last 2 years. I can no longer do the things I delight in (and I'm in bed a lot, or at doctors or at the ER). I can still do much! But it looks very different and MOST things are done with great difficulty... A few examples of things I desperately miss; walking around the flea market (have to use wheel chair now), impromptu travel with my husband on business trips (can't travel right now), cooking for my family and friends (once in a while I can, but must get kids to lift pans, etc. then I'm depleted for the day), baking and painting cakes, painting large murals and other artwork, using my good camera (too heavy plus triggers migraines), various ministries at church I not only enjoyed working with but being the leader of! Just volunteering and helping others. Travel and mission work in Africa (my great joy for 7 years), going on random walks, just walking any distance, (I can walk using crutch! PRAISE GOD. Just not for long or far), various activities with my family I now have to sit out on, cleaning the house (I know, but it's the little things I took for granted) and much more. And now, whilst I do enjoy many, many things, I enjoy it withstanding the constant nagging pain and discomfort. It's 24/7. The only question is to what degree at the time. I have very good days. I have very bad days. Most people do not know. For me, it doesn't go away. We won't even go into the emotional notion. A whole 'nother basket of worms.
That is an UNEQUIVOCAL NO.
I'm trying to render a picture for you. I am an artist after all.
AND I DON'T WANT OR NEED YOUR SYMPATHY.
I would actually love for you to be happy for me!!
I tell you this because:
Watch out, here comes my URGENT message....
I desperately want this for you.
Read on.
Here are gifts that I could give to you..... if I had the money!
I offer my story to you.
My Story in a Permeable Nutshell
Most of my life I was haunted by a deep black pit in my soul that kept rearing it's ugly head despite my countless efforts to suppress it.I tried all kinds of stuff throughout the moments, days, months and years to escape from this black smut that smothered and haunted me like a putrid stink that always crept in so swiftly-always uninvited and always unexpected. Over the years I attempted so many different things and ways desperately trying to escape it. I cut myself, I ate too much, I spent too much, I unleashed anger in various inappropriate ways that hurt others plus much, much more. I think the biggest escape I tried was acute busyness. As a, "perfect mom, perfect artist, perfect person," I made sure I volunteered for anything and everything plus made home made butter. The butter was yummy though, especially if you add honey.
The Black Smutty Hole Persisted.
Nothing was perfect, EVEN THOUGH, I actually DID have a wonderful marriage, wonderful kids, money and what reeked of outward success. Yet that DEEP hole messed things up. It persisted like a stink bug. It always came uninvited and ruined things.
What was so desperately wrong?
How's that working for you?
Ever hear that?
NO worries. I personally had a constant plan for fixing it. It's all good.
"I'm OK. Things are good. Well, except that dang hole. I think it's gone now though"..........................
Hey, I KNEW what I was doing!
Looking back now time actually did FLY by....you young people take heed!
My slick concocted plans were NOT working.
They never did.
And it hurt people along the way.
WAIT, it was effecting others?
Huh?! No, this is about me...or is it, hhhmm."
I HAD TO STOP BEING ARROGANT AND START BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF
Yes, I said that.
Get over it.
I needed God.
He is and was the only answer.
Take a Glance at My Story.
At least do it for me.
My health has been perversely stolen from me. Yanked away and tossed to the thieves for the most part. The slow progression took 33 years (I pushed through that), but the sudden yanking was unexpected and took the better part of the last 2 years. I can no longer do the things I delight in (and I'm in bed a lot, or at doctors or at the ER). I can still do much! But it looks very different and MOST things are done with great difficulty... A few examples of things I desperately miss; walking around the flea market (have to use wheel chair now), impromptu travel with my husband on business trips (can't travel right now), cooking for my family and friends (once in a while I can, but must get kids to lift pans, etc. then I'm depleted for the day), baking and painting cakes, painting large murals and other artwork, using my good camera (too heavy plus triggers migraines), various ministries at church I not only enjoyed working with but being the leader of! Just volunteering and helping others. Travel and mission work in Africa (my great joy for 7 years), going on random walks, just walking any distance, (I can walk using crutch! PRAISE GOD. Just not for long or far), various activities with my family I now have to sit out on, cleaning the house (I know, but it's the little things I took for granted) and much more. And now, whilst I do enjoy many, many things, I enjoy it withstanding the constant nagging pain and discomfort. It's 24/7. The only question is to what degree at the time. I have very good days. I have very bad days. Most people do not know. For me, it doesn't go away. We won't even go into the emotional notion. A whole 'nother basket of worms.
Do I tell you all this to feel sorry for me, or to get you to reach out and give me attention?
That is an UNEQUIVOCAL NO.
I'm trying to render a picture for you. I am an artist after all.
AND I DON'T WANT OR NEED YOUR SYMPATHY.
I would actually love for you to be happy for me!!
I tell you this because:
Watch out, here comes my URGENT message....
... despite all this, I have ABUNDANT JOY and PEACE that I could not have ever fathomed.
The black miry pit has been squelched.
 |
| Mural I designed and painted with a team at NHF Fellowship |
Read on.
Here are gifts that I could give to you..... if I had the money!
Trip around the world
Huge diamond rings
Maserati
Trip to Tahiti
Lottery Ticket
A Rolex
Flowers
But I love you too much!
To toss something temporarily pleasurable at you.
To toss something temporarily pleasurable at you.
This is what the WORLD tells you is
SUCCESS:
SUCCESS:
Money, popularity, education, accolades, outer beauty,
actions, position at work, face book likes, etc.!
actions, position at work, face book likes, etc.!
suc·cess
səkˈses/
noun
noun: success; plural noun: successes
the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.
"the president had some success in restoring confidence"
| favorable outcome, success-fulness, successful result, triumph |
TRUE SUCCESS
REALLY? Who Wouldn't Want This!!!!
A way of escape when you are temptedWisdom for every challengeRest for your weary soulsPeace regardless of the troubles you faceFruitfulness as you grow olderThe desires of your heartsHelp in times of troubleGuidance along the pathway of lifeHealing for your diseases and woundsEternal securityProvision for our daily needDaily forgiveness of your sins.
“These things I have spoken to you,
that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.
John 15: 10
Finally...
Here's a Little Something to You from Me...My story.
That's all I have.
But I offer it to you from the bottom of my heart.Here's What I Did;I open(ed) my bible daily and diligently.I talk(ed) to God a lot.
THAT'S IT
I started in the Gospel of John and
kept reading straight through.I Just read.
I actually didn't understand it.
I told myself that it was because I'm slow and I'm spacey. After all-those were messages I've gotten all my life from the world. (Not smart in math, science, etc.)
But I just read anyway and with diligence.I talked to God.
No fancy words, just our own personal conversation, (see blog about clam bake!) no body else's business.
Nothing fancy.
Understanding for ME took a good long time.
I know now that God has perfect timing.
In being obedient and with faith, the reaping came in immeasurable ways. Unexpected ways.
Ways that were way better than I could come up with.
(I give thanks to my dear missionary friend and Pastor in SA/Mozambique, seven years ago
for guiding me in this way,
knowing full well
he will give ALL the credit to the Lord!)But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,
and all these things shall be added to you.
Matthew 6:33 NKJV
Jesus answered and said to her, "Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life."
John 4:13 & 14 NKJV
Sorry, no Maserati.
THIS IS FAR BETTER
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