Hung by the fireplace with care...More like told everyone there's no santa. I blew it on Christmas Eve.

Stockings hung with care...

NOT.

I blew it.

 Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...NOT.

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Momma was joyful, Oh yes she was,

Right up until the last guest left and then because...

her medications kicked in, she spazed at all,

She told us Santa wasn't coming and then started to ball. 

But, momma, "Where are the Santa books that daddy has always read?"

She couldn't find them anywhere, yelled at daddy then went to bed.

Yep

There it is.

I did hold out for a good while! Yeah! me!

I felt great joy in the Lord at church. 

I felt great joy in having friends and family around our table 

with laughter and awesome food!

 

Thought I did swimmingly well considering the demands of the season.

But I still felt physically ill. 

Twenty four-seven doesn't allow true rest. It doesn't leave me. 

I'm a master at disguise. But hiding it gets harder and harder. It's hard to be up late. It's hard to pretend.  The pangs of how my husband and kids did most of the preparations for the evening because I couldn't also chewed at me. A loss for me that is continually nagging. Guess it all came down. The last guest left. The clean up began. The kids cleaned. You might say, "Must be nice, wish I didn't have to clean, what's the problem?!" It is nice. It's the fact that I CAN'T that is the problem. The fact that my children have a servants heart is a joy and blessing. I tend to miss simple tasks that were easy to do but I took for granted at the time.  

There became a hub bub about the air. 
A certain chaos. Too much for my migrainish state. Each family member suddenly NEEDED something from me within the next 10 minutes. And I have a LOT of family members! (PRAISE GOD!) 

But It was all too much. 

Emotionally and physically. 

But it's gotta be at least part medications. 

(Even doctor said so.)

I could tell I wasn't processing correctly. But I couldn't stop it. Messages came in one ear and left whacked out and not making sense through the other ear. I just needed to climb under my covers and be done. Go away from EVERYTHING before my mouth took control. But I couldn't get there fast enough. Not for lack of trying. But I had to keep doing one more thing, it's my specialty. Then everyone kept stopping me on the way and asking for more and more and more. 

So I yelled at my husband. 

On Christmas Eve.

I blew it. He tried to show grace. He tried hard.

I blew it again. He tried again. I blew it again.

So much for showing the love of Jesus on this special night. 

So much for giving my husband the special gift on Christmas Eve that I had so carefully planned ahead.  

"HERE! FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! NOW QUIT LOOKING AT ME."

I figured that wouldn't work. 

So here it is four AM. 

HERE I AM. The house is silent. 

Where is that soothing rain from last night.

Still feel like crap physically.

Feeling sorry emotionally.

Feeling hope. Feeling some joy.

Wishing I did better.
But today is another day.

My human self failed me.

My human self failed my family.

“But Jesus looked at them and said, “With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible.” 

(Mark 10:27 NKJV) 

This Christmas morning:

The stockings are carefully hung by the fireplace...by my husband.

The packages beautifully set around the tree...by my husband.

The kitchen sparking... 

Everyone sleeping sound.

I'm positive the traditional Christmas poems got read to the children. 

I spotted them printed out on the computer. Located books or not.

I'm hoping my children are having visions of sugarplums in their head right now instead of visions of grumpy-sick momma.

My body is failing me. My mind too?

I ran to my Clam Bake this morning! 

My mind is processing straight enough to know that that comes first. Actually, I guess if it were processing better, I would have send out an SOS prayer to God before I blew it last night. 

It's a daily process in the works. 

Pray for me this Christmas morning. 

That the LOVE of Jesus will shine through me. 

 

  For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9 NKJV

 Merry Christmas!

 Hark the herald angels sing
"Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild
God and sinners reconciled"
Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With the angelic host proclaim:
"Christ is born in Bethlehem"
Hark! The herald angels sing
"Glory to the newborn King!"

I Desire Feedback! 
I have made a commitment to be honest and transparent. How am I doing? Positive feedback is ALWAYS good. But I also grow and stay real by your insights. So kind constructive feedback is appreciated ALWAYS. I seek to Glorify the Lord in all this. I am human. I don't always do it right. I have been called to reveal my journey. I have a burning desire to share my story and my daily walk with great urgency in hopes that even one person will reap from how I have received GREAT JOY that can only comes from the Lord!