The daggers were wickedly scary. Apparently I was in my very own world, again. Inch forward, struggle to turn the wheel, inch back, repeat three times. The pain makes it quite an accomplishment. Finally, the van was nicely backed up into the handicapped space. Feeling accomplished, I rest, take a deep breath and innocently look up. Somethin's been going on! A random lady is now terrifying me. I can actually read her lips through her closed window, her mouth like a wide mouth bass carefully yet forcefully spewing out many fowl words. WAIT, is it towards me?! I gathered my senses, and slowly realized that the biggest hint was that she was stopped in front of my van, lips flapping and two wide eyeballs glaring from her face-directed exactly toward me.
My mind raced to unscramble from my carefree thoughts of sunshine and butterflies. What have I done that was such a horrific crime to this person? Nothing registered. Next thought was, "Wow! I should get out and give her the number to my therapist!" She has anger issues! Next thought, "Hhmmmn, does she sport a gun?" Next thought, "Smile and wave." I did that. Probably NOT the best idea, her eyes scrunched even more and I think three more swear words, in another language flew out before she gunned the accelerator and raced off. I prayed for her. I prayed that she might find a way to release her anger issues in healthier ways than on handicapped people. I wasn't worried for me, I am reaping what I sewed. Plus changing my thought process helps to look at stuff differently these days. I used to let my anger out inappropriately also. Now, I know that hurt people hurt people. I was concerned for the elderly that try their best to be careful on the road or others who mind their business and are doing their best in this hateful world but still get degraded by people like this lady who need safe yet venomous ways to release their anger. I can't help but to wonder, when I was younger and behaved in a similar way, how many random people that I knew nothing about yet I also quickly judged and hurt because of my own selfish needs. Sad thought.
To start, I reminisce over how I hurt my husband, my kids and my family and they are still, to this day, licking their wounds. SLAM. My own sin has already slapped my eyes wide open. The people I adore the most. It hurts now. The truth is hard to swallow. Not only did I own it and work on it years ago, but I still pay for it with memories, realizations and reminders. Even now-I lash out. I don't throw glass at the wall anymore.... I don't yell hurtful words anymore.... I, for the most part, have dealt with my anger. And let me throw in, I have valid reasons to be angry. But sometimes, UGGGHHHH, sometimes is still sneaks out from the recesses of my nasty gut. It's still ugly. These days, it always catches me by surprise...it comes out fast and unannounced. Hindsight, it usually happens when my pain has become too much, sleep is lacking and I let gripes build up instead of talking things through. These days it's a reminder to me that I am human. One who continues to sin. That's why I need God. I need Him to help me. I need His grace to forgive me. I need the Holy Spirit to guide me. I am no-where NEAR PERFECT, it was even hard to type that. The word PERFECT anywhere in a sentence concerning me is just ridiculous. I have come a super long way though. All praise to God! My friends and family, I think, can trust that I won't thrust the can opener at them or leave them mid-conflict to go to a parking lot to walk on glass.
Tangent:
I am praising God daily for a husband that has told me since 26 years ago, "Divorce is not an option!" He has stood by my side, if even a few arms lengths away, working together with me. He, my friends, is not perfect either. But he is willing to take the ride traveling through this life on earth together with me, but finally, with God in the center. And though it is very tough, it is so very rewarding, joyful and just fun. Although I have now aimlessly crawled down the tangent trail, I must continue on to say that a CHRISTIAN counselor is a wonderful thing to have! To me, everyone...EVERYONE, should have one. No matter how dysfunctional they are or claim not to be. (Insert smiley face here). It is like having a fly on the wall whisper to both of us a different way to think or see your each others perspectives. Our counselor is younger than us. But we don't need her experience, per say, we need her keen eye to point out different ways to look at things. We have resolved 15 year hangups that we just couldn't get past-within an hour at counseling simply because she pointed something out. And we love the marriage/relationship toolbox that we now own. The tools are invisible, but they are priceless. The box contains simple rules, techniques and ideas as to how to not be crazy-making in our arguments. They are great for using because they cause us to be fair in a conflict. Now a fight, debate or silent treatment will last 1/16 of the time that it used to. Therefore-we have way more time to play and enjoy our time together. We also attend marriage classes at church to learn how to put God in the middle. Without Him, we can not succeed as a married couple.
Train of thought:
I can't help but to wonder if some of the people who stain their stories onto their skin with beautiful inks are those who haven't been listened to. Not as a rule, or a stereotype, just a thought. I see all the angry hurtful people lashing out on Facebook and on the media about their differences and worldly debates. They might not realize, but the world can see what personal wounds are soaking in lemon juice just by their comments. I also observe that if someone is not in love with the Lord, how very different their theory always is. Walking Christians don't claim to be correct, they claim to have faith in what our heavenly Father promises us. Those who seek chaos, egg on the comments and the debates. Chaos is not of God.
But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
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