Looking good on the outside was my game....being in a dark hole, lost, lonely and desperate was my secret. Hope comes ONLY from the LORD!

What do I do when God has so clearly laid a burden on my heart but the message from me to the ones I love is so unclear. 
Sadly the message that is being received is:

1. I have a big mouth.
2. I think I know everything.
3. I want to hurt rather than help. 

Here's what I had in my heart all along and still do:

1. I need to be bold for Christ.
...but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ—from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love. Ephesians 4: 15-16 NKJV

2. I only know one thing to be true. 
There is only one way. Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. 
John 14:6 NKJV

3. My heart cries if anyone that knows me thinks any differently.

“Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops. Matthew 10:27 NKJV

The Lord knows my heart. 
That is truly all that matters. But as I am human I crave that my very own family be on a path that travels towards the Lord and not to the world. I pose the question; If someone was going to be hit by a Mack Truck, would I do my best to yell and scream and perhaps knock them brutally out of the way? Or would I stand on the curb and watch them be cruelly eaten alive by the world?  Oops. I meant the truck?

I would knock them down without giving it a single thought. 


I am nothing without the Lord. 
I am incapable of making anyone do anything. Perhaps I can demand my own child to take out the trash. Maybe I can convince my infant to swallow medication. But when it  comes to matters of the heart all I can possibly do is plant a seed. Hopefully I would do that by my own actions or by extending a gift of some sort. That gift could be one of many forms; a basket of flowers, making a meal for someone in need or maybe even a gift of extending grace. Extensive prayer always comes after the planting for me. That's the silent and unknown action. It may occur in the middle of the night when my own sleep is non-existent. Sometimes I quiet all my devices, then pray for others while I enjoy a gentle breeze or another type of nature. The planting might take the form of a discussion wrapped in love but truth. It may look so simplistic that it could be giving grace when I am wronged and it burns deep, but I choose not to let it show. It could be something large like a monetary donation. One that no one else ever knows about. Bragging is not of God. 

I pray that the Holy Spirit takes the tiny and faulty seed and grows it into a mammoth sunflower that falls at the Lords feet. One that resembles a beautifully unconditional relationship with Him.

And all the glory will go to Him. 
I no longer yearn for the credit of planting like I did in the past. I was just a baby when I basked in the warm wool of accolades.

Did I mention that I was a little too human. 
I sin. I wish I didn't. I mess up. I wish I didn't. My ugly tongue often rules over my massive urge to edify. It throws me to the wolves without warning. Such a small organ. Such a huge weapon. Then it whispers over to the devil to come without haste and pounce. "I SUCK!" It's the common theme for me. Long ago and for so long I bought it. I made buddies with the mantra. We danced in the storms and played with the bolts of lightening. Me-always ending up with deep scars that my so called buddy was all to proud to be a part of. He gleaned as I sank deeper and my hope faded away.

For years and years I seeked help. 
The help of alcohol. Oh the joy of a cold beer at the end of a stressful day with my buddies. Or rather; I feel so crappy this drink will numb it with friends who are willing to join me. Then there were the boys!  Yes, the boys who told me I was pretty. OR rather; The many scum who wanted only one thing. Oh and the self-help books. How awesome they were! They had ingenious ideas and answers!  Except, I could never get their worldly plan to help me. (On a side note, I learned to research people who know all of the answers. Many times their credibility goes away come to find out their self help didn't self help themselves). 

I ask myself why did I try so hard to stubbornly ignore the light and the hope that was at my gentle grasp all along? 

People are not our help. 
Why did I continually go from human to human to find my answers? It is crazy making. Doing the same thing over and over again with the belief that the next time the result will change. 
Saying it out loud often gives perspective. At least for me.

My hope comes from the Lord. 
He is so patient that He has waited for me. He didn't punish me for getting it wrong over and over and over again. He lovingly gave me grace and love along the way. He continues to do so.

The Lord has freed me from the emotional pain, the anguish, the low self worth, the lostness that was embedded in my very soul.

Looking good on the outside was my game....being in a black hole, lost, lonely and desperate was my secret. 

PRAISE God as He has delivered me.

It actually hurts from wanting what I have for others to have. Whether family by birth. Or adoptive family and friends. I do know that my REAL family are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I pray for God to show me how to clean up my mouth. May I bite my tongue hard before I slip. I ask for uplifting encouragement to come out only. To be bold for Him only. Love others only. Be honest but in love only. 

This is biblical. 
The Word is my guide to life book. 
Although I pray that one day people see what is in my heart, it is only but a wish.
My true and only need is to glorify the Lord in all that I do. 

My body might be in pain, but praise be to God

I have unfathomable joy.